The Dyke Whisperer

It took me YEARS to learn this: choose your fights carefully. Fighting for someone or something you WANT is one thing; fighting for someone or something you NEED is another. Fighting for someone/something you WANT is short-sighted and draining and, unfortunately, compromises our spirit and energy when we have to fight for someone/something we NEED.

I believe we need to fight for ourselves and our own best interests. We need to determine what’s best for US. To consider and refine OUR dreams. To identify and wish upon OUR stars.

I advise you not to diminish your potential and not to waste your time trying to change water into wine. Here’s a gem of wisdom for you: you can’t change anybody. I know it’s frustrating because you can see the potential someone has and know that, with a few (seemingly) minor tweaks, she would be an ideal companion for you. The problem is, the tweaks won’t be minor to her and, sadly, the potential you see is in YOUR heart and mind and not in her composition as a person. In reality, she just isn’t who you think she CAN be.

That realization sucks, by the way.

Dear Dyke Whisperer, I have a problem. I’ll make it short and sweet. My girlfriend treats me well in private but like shit in public. She’s always trying to be the “Player” whenever we’re around friends or women in general. Once we get back home, she’s sweet again. I have talked to her about it. She changes her behavior for a little while but then starts acting like a jerk again.

Do I talk to her AGAIN? Or, what?

Angry in Austin

Dear Angry,

You know, if she needs that much attention from your friends and other women, dump her ass. You shouldn’t need to tell your girlfriend to treat you better in public. She’s an asshole for being an asshole to you around others, and she’s being totally fake as well.

How do you know which one is the real girlfriend? The nice one or the jerk? Truth is, you DON’T know which one is real, although you thought you did at one point. Dump her attention-whore ass and find a grown-up.

Another Friday … it’s been a trying week, but that’s all behind us now.

It’s Halloween for those of us in the States. Remember what it felt like to be a kid in costume? I encourage you to try and recapture that feeling. Hell, try to recapture it every day.

This is it. The one life you get. Make a point to enjoy it this weekend.

So, it’ll be a fight. My buddy’s lab results returned with the somber news that cancer cells were indeed present.

So what do you do? You get ready for a fight, a long fight. No time for reflection or worry. This is where the big girls step up and throw down.

Sometimes all you can do is be grateful that you have the strength, patience, optimism, and knowledge to stand beside her, to fight alongside her — even when she may be too tired or scared to fight.

Personally, I won’t back down, and I won’t run away. I’m taking a stand. I signed on today for the whole duration.

Fuck cancer.

Sometimes, you just have to wait it out. Strength and honor. If it’s worth it, wait it out.

It’s not a sign of weakness; it’s a sign of wisdom.

Wikipedia provides an excellent description of a military strategy called scorched earth policy. While marching through or withdrawing from an area, an army destroys everything that might be useful to the enemy. A scorched earth policy would entail the poisoning of wells, the slaughter of cattle so their carcasses rot in a pasture, the demolition of houses, and the torching of oil wells.

This brutal (but effective) strategy has been used by the Scythians against the Persians in ancient times, the Carthaginians, William the Conqueror, General Sherman in his “March to the Sea” in the American Civil War,  Stalin against the Germans in WWII, and Iraqi forces in the Gulf War of 1990.

I’ve noticed recently that this policy is also used by some lesbians during break-ups.

Dear Asshole,

Look. Feelings change. Or, more accurately, feelings become more clearly defined over time. It’s understandable. You were looking for someone new. Problem is, you were in a relationship … with a woman who was in love with you.

You went through most of the motions until the end. You were just irritable, at first. You began to make subtle moves on another woman, feeling her out. Meanwhile, your girlfriend didn’t understand why you were so irritable and distant. Was it your job? You know who she ultimately blamed? Herself. And, you knew it and let her.

She tried to please you. You ignored her. You are such a coward. You didn’t have the courage or decency to be honest with her. Fact is, you couldn’t stand her anymore. You found your next girlfriend, the “girlfriend-in-waiting.” You figured that if you treated your official girlfriend like shit, that she would eventually leave you, and you would look like the “good guy” in front of your mutual friends, your family, and, most critically to you, your girlfriend-in-waiting.

Speaking of your friends, yes, there was one who knew you were cheating , courting another woman while in a relationship. She helped you, didn’t she? Encouraged you.

Speaking of the girlfriend-in-waiting, you are the victim in her eyes, aren’t you? Trying to be noble while in such a horrible relationship. Yeah, right. She just wanted to save you, comfort you. Such optimism! Such bullshit …

So your official girlfriend grew desperate and overly emotional. You called her crazy. Of course, you weren’t cheating, you told her convincingly.

Then, over something trivial, you finally did it! You broke up with her. Maybe she forgot to go to the dry cleaner’s or take the dog in for a vaccine. You told her you don’t want to be with her anymore. Wait, that’s not right … you still want to be “friends.”

At this point, she really did go crazy: none of this made sense to her. Her friends were telling her that you’re an asshole, and she defended you, time and time again. Her friends grew really pissed off at her, calling her an idiot and not understanding why she was putting up with you. She may even have lost friends over this, over you.

She wanted it to work out. Being so generous of spirit, you agreed — and you continued to treat her like shit, knowing full well that she was spending most of her nights crying and most of her days completely miserable. She blamed herself for that too.

Meanwhile, you told the girlfriend-in-waiting to be patient. You were slipping around, sending her sweet text messages, and engaging in private flirting on Facebook and Twitter.

This time, the still-official girlfriend called it off. She desperately wanted you to fight for her, to tell her that you still loved her. No. You simply shrugged your pathetic shoulders and said, “Okay, if that’s what you want.”

She broke up with you. You were out on the town with the new girlfriend instantaneously. Hell, why not? You were just dumped, right?

That’s a horrific break-up for the now ex-girlfriend, but here’s where Scorched Earth comes into play:

She finds out about the other woman. She finds out that you were cheating on her. She figures out the time-line. She feels like the biggest fool and loser on the planet.

And she blames herself.

There’s nothing left accept anger, pain, and even more anger. You’ve scorched her to the point where her next relationship will be fucked up — all because of your cowardice and selfishness.

You’re a complete piece of shit. I hope to run into you soon, and I’m not a coward.

 – D

I’ve seen this too often lately. This needs to stop. We shouldn’t be doing this to each other. We’re better than this. If you no longer want to be in a relationship, tell her. Let her hurt with her dignity and pride in tact.

How much legitimate meaning is encompassed in a question that begins as follows:

“Why do all lesbians …?”

How meaningful will the response be?

Are we that uniform? That generalizable? Age, location, education, cultures and sub-cultures, rural and urban, socioeconomic level … what can we say about ourselves as a group? Other than being sexually and emotionally attracted to women, what exactly do we have in common?

Professionally and personally, I have explored generational differences and have lectured on the topic. Examining characteristics and trends, we recognize that, yes, there are generational differences.

We call those born from the late 1970s to the early 1990s “Generation Y,” “The Millennials,” or, as labelled by Mark Bauerlein, ”The Dumbest Generation.” Many of these youngsters cannot recall owning a cassette tape or a world without superstar Madonna.

They live in their fully customizable worlds, where they can create their own playlists, online identities, and RSS feeds. Tech-savvy, independent, and natural problem-solvers, they are the future, like it or not.

They seem more serious somehow, but they’re having serious fun too.

Lesbi-assholes, cheating girlfriends, bad days at work, missed opportunities, and unrequited love — all of these seem insignificant when a buddy is waiting on the results of a biopsy.

We should never take our time for granted because it might be more limited than we think. We should spend our time on those who deserve our time. We should shed our tears for those that deserve them. We should conserve our energy for those times in life where we’ll have to be strong.

Being a young lesbian at an ultra-conservative state university (often sited in polls as being the most conservative public school in the US), I clung to the small group of friends I had. We were the freaks who didn’t fit in because of our sexuality, the way we dressed, the music we listened to, the politics we advocated, the civil rights we supported.

Now, I seek out and offer assistance whenever I can to gay youth groups and certain individuals who seem to have had a particularly tough road as they try to find their way through young adulthood.

There are so many organizations established to provide assistance and support to students and young people that belong to certain religious organizations or share a certain ancestry. In certain conservative parts of the US, young gays are virtually on their own as they struggle to grow up and find their place in an increasingly impersonal world.

We owe it to each other — because no one else is going to do it — we owe it to each other to help each other.

Take the time to offer support, assistance, guidance, and strength. If you are an out and proud youngster, don’t be afraid to ask for and accept help.

The process by which lizards regrow their injured and discarded tails is called autotomy. There are planes along which the lizard’s tail snaps off. Meanwhile, the lizard contracts his muscles, minimizing the bleeding from his wound. The regeneration of his tale begins immediately.

After witnessing a young friend have her heart excised, slammed to the ground, trampled, and spat upon by her girlfriend (now ex-girlfriend, obviously) … after hearing similar tales of betrayal and deceit at the table where we sat trying to console our despondent friend … after wondering how anyone could be so adept at such icy cruelty and pathological deception, I realized that our hearts must be capable of autotomy as well.

We tighten up and try to minimize the bleeding.  In the warmth of the support of our friends and with even a minimal trace of optimism, our hearts begin to regenerate.

Mean people truly do suck, but they can’t permanently crush our hearts and they can’t steal our dreams.