The Dyke Whisperer

Each gay person who comes out makes all gay people stronger, in both a social and political sense. As we become stronger, we will begin to be acknowledged as equals who deserve the SAME RIGHTS  and SAME BENEFITS as heterosexuals. Strength and unity will one day result in equality.

Congratulations to the lesbians of the State of California:

“… limiting the designation of marriage to a union ‘between a man and a woman’ is unconstitutional and must be stricken from the statute,” California Chief Justice Ron George said in the written opinion.

California’s Supreme Court ruled that a ban on gay marriage was unlawful, effectively leaving gay couples free to marry in a landmark ruling.

I better be invited to at least one wedding.

I feel particularly sorry for those of you faced with coming out to fundamentalist parents, regardless if they are well meaning people and regardless of the particular sect they are affiliated with. Religious zealots ARE zealots because they have relegated individual decision-making to a code of morals that is interpreted by a charismatic, power-hungry, emotionally twisted leader — who is skilled at manipulating the “word of God” to influence his/her obedient flock into not only funding his/her lavish lifestyle but applying inflexible (to others) “holy” or “moral” principles to any situation that may occur.

 [Pardon my forthcoming sarcasm.]

We all know that homosexuality is SO evil that even GOD didn’t have the stomach to mention it in His commandments to Moses. It is so heinous that Jesus didn’t even want to address it. “Love one another” — but not in THAT way, is what he meant to say.

The prospect of homosexuality is so distasteful to religious fundamentalists that some feel the need to actually engage in it privately — just so they can reaffirm their devotion to their religious principles when they are caught. Brave moral soldiers are they.

[End of sarcasm.]

Fundamentalists believe that God showers them with prosperity as long as they are devoted, tithe, occasionally handle snakes, have numerous spiritual wives, fly jets in buildings, murder innocent mothers and children, start wars based on lies, torture, rape, exploit, and intimidate — all in the name of the prophet of their choice.

Now, how do you handle this craziness? You don’t; you can’t. Your coming-out will be “proof” that your parents are immoral. “You will know them by their fruit.” They’ll hate you for embarrassing them in front of their pious peers, who are probably closet perverts, adulterers, whore-mongers, and evil assholes.

They’ll tell you to pray. They’ll want to send you to one of those despicable “de-programming” camps. By the way, if you’re ever in the need for raw sex and reckless behavior, date one of those de-programmed lesbians, if you can find one that’s not too doped up on prescription drugs and cheap bourbon to perform.

Distance is key. I suggest that you wait until you’re away from home (at college, for example) to tell them, either in person or in a letter (no e-mails, please). Tell them at the beginning of a semester. You’ll have another place to live so you won’t have to live with friends or sympathetic relatives. Be prepared to spend Christmas with other gay friends who have been abandoned by their parents.

Don’t, however, leave one prison — one cage — to enter another one, namely the prison of a romantic relationship now occurring in hyperdrive because you have been kicked out, financially cut off, or generally disowned. Coming-out is a personal process that is about YOU, not about you and your girlfriend. Coming-out is about YOUR freedom, which should NOT be abandoned for the temporary comfort of a domineering or subservient girlfriend. Be YOU first, before you attempt to be part of an “US.” If you don’t, “us” won’t last — and you might face the prospect of searching for the perceived comfort of yet another prison.

If you are young, you might be faced with the unique prospect of coming out to your parents or guardians, while (1) they are financially supporting you AND (2) you KNOW they’re going to disapprove (minimally) or possibly disown you/kick you out of their house/apartment.

You MUST understand the following: DO NOT CONFOUND ISSUES.

You want your family (primarily parents or guardians) to ACCEPT you because you are gay. You had NO CHOICE in the matter. It’s like being accepted for being blonde or African-American or Asian or Latina. You just want to be accepted for who you are. It’s like them accepting Algebra: they might not like it, but you are who you are. You deserve to be accepted.

Acceptance is the PRIMARY issue of coming out to family and friends. Now, JUST BECAUSE THEY ACCEPT YOU AND / OR LOVE YOU DOESN’T MEAN THAT YOUR PARENTS AND GUARDIANS ARE GOING TO AGREE WITH DECISIONS YOU MAKE.

In other words, DON’T TIE THE COMING-OUT — WHICH DOES NOT INVOLVE CHOICE — with LIFESTYLE ISSUES THAT DO INVOLVE CHOICE.

Being gay is who you are; moving in with your girlfriend DOES NOT involve acceptance, it is a decision open to agreement or disagreement. DON’T mix the two. If you do, the perceived BAD / IMMATURE decision — which involves a choice — makes your gayness SEEM LIKE a choice too! By mixing your natural sexual orientation (which more and more seems to be based in biology and physiology) with decision-making, you will lose credibility.

ACCEPTANCE DOES NOT EQUAL AGREEMENT. KEEP YOUR COMING-OUT SEPARATE FROM YOUR DECISIONS. Realizing this and acting accordingly will make sense to intelligent, sensible young people. The immature will, like children, just want what they want when they want it, further solidifying their perception AS children — children who are not able to understand what it means to be gay (as unhappy, disappointed parents will strongly and likely insist).

True Bisexuals (see post of 4/28/2008 for working definition)? There’s no way to spot them. Here’s a case where it’s almost a necessity to be out or extremely outgoing to establish a romantic / sexual connection. You must listen for cues. You must assume a passive posture until you know for certain that she’s a “true bisexual.” Some lesbians assume most “true bisexuals” are straight women. Don’t assume anything: again, LISTEN. Proceed with deliberation.

Sport Bisexuals (see post of 4/28/2008 for working definition)? These women are EASY to spot. They are social creatures by nature so they will frequent your neighborhood bars and coffee-shops. Look for them to be active in the afternoon and evening, as well as the late-night hours. They just need to be around people.

“Sport Bisexual” women cannot contain their sexuality. Their anecdotes, jokes, comments, clothes ALL scream sex. They’re constantly commenting about the waitresses breasts or the hot guy at the next table. Their internal and external environments are usually ALWAYS revolving on real or perceived sexual cues.  If you are interested, proceed with caution until you are certain that this is indeed a “sport bisexual” and not a “pathetic bisexual” putting on a good performance for a male.

Why not?

If you’re in between serious relationships, single and traveling, or single and adventurous, why not have a fling with a “Sport Bisexual” woman (see the 4/28/2008 post for definition)? As long as you use protection and manage your expectations, you’ll definitely enjoy both the vertical and horizontal company of these free-spirited ladies.

Sport Bisexuals are extroverted, gregarious, socially adept individuals, for the most part. Yes, some are psychos — but there are plenty of lesbians, straight women, and men who are as well.

I realize that frivolous, future-less sexual encounters are not for everybody. I have met more than a few lesbians who state emphatically that they “don’t date for fun.” However, for those who, for whatever reason, seek to have less restrictive relationships, Sport Bisexual women offer the opportunity for lesbians to enjoy the social and sexual company of women without rules or restrictions.

CAVEAT: Don’t fall in love with a Sport Bisexual woman. Don’t ever think she has fallen in love with you. These are NOT the women to “settle down” with. These are the sexual equivalents of ATVs: GREAT for a fun and glorious weekend romp every now and then; impractical for everyday living. Ride one long enough and you’re bound to get hurt.

[For a working definition of "true bisexuals," please see the post on 4/28/2008.]

Some lesbians fear bisexual women as a group because they don’t want to compete with men, or they believe that the bisexual woman in question will eventually choose the easier heterosexual (in appearance, at least) path. Some lesbians talk about the fear of diseases from bisexuals.

All these reasons are ridiculous and indicative of either a weak disposition or ignorance.

As far as “competing for women,” relationships aren’t a sport. Fucking is a sport, and we’ll discuss that tomorrow. Unwarranted fears and generalizations are symptoms of a coward. If you meet a woman and like her, ask if she has a girlfriend or a boyfriend. If she says she does not, ask her out. If, after several dates, you two are compatible and eager for the relationship to progress, what does it matter if she is attractive to men? She’s with YOU! “Oh, but she’ll leave me.” Yeah, with that attitude, so will a lesbian. Enjoy the present!

Yes, it is easier in the U.S. (and elsewhere) today to be a heterosexual. It is also easier to be an asshole, selfish, and an opportunist. NO relationship is guaranteed to last — no matter if vows are exchanged. Don’t generalize; make this between the two of you.

The issue of diseases? Twenty percent of U.S. adults have genital herpes. Promiscuous behavior knows no sexual orientation boundaries, and it only takes one encounter to contract a sexually-transmitted disease. Use dental dams, sterilize toys, be smart and responsible. Get yourself tested and ask her to get tested next time she goes in for a check-up.

“Pathetic Bisexuals” (as defined in the post on 4/28/2008): If you have a boyfriend and you’re pursuing a woman to get her to participate either with him or with him watching, TELL her up front. Real-life lesbians (as opposed to the gay-for-pay, plastic monstrosities involved in “lesbian” porn) aren’t here for your man’s entertainment — and, if you don’t inform a woman of this up-front, you are a pathetic piece of shit.

Find another like-minded bisexual. Oh, wait that means that SHE’LL have a boyfriend too, and YOUR boyfriend won’t be able to deal with HIM being involved, will he? Because that’s “like gay and stuff.” If your orifices cannot satisfy him, don’t come [pun intended] to us.

For clarification purposes, I must present a working definition of “bisexual,” which has both functional meaning AND captures the various motivations behind bisexual behavior among individuals.

There are what I consider “true bisexuals,” i.e., those that are sexually and emotionally attracted to EITHER men or women at any given time. In my (limited) experience, these represent the best potential partners for lesbians. They are attracted to men OR women.

There are “bisexual opportunists.” These individuals just want to have sex with as many people as possible, and, by being sexually available to both men and women, it effectively doubles their sexual opportunities.

There are “sport bisexuals,” i.e., individuals who just want to experience what life has to offer, sexually and otherwise. They don’t like labels, don’t like social boxes, and don’t like being told what to do. They are attracted to whom they are attracted to — gender is irrelevant. They are attracted to men AND women.

There are “college bisexuals,” i.e., young men and women who experiment in college just to see what a same-sex relationship is like (short- or long-term). They abandon this practice (for the most part) when they leave university life.

There are “attention bisexuals,” i.e., men and women who claim to be sexually attracted to the same sex just to receive attention.

There are “pathetic bisexuals“”who agree to have sex with men/women just to attract, keep, or please a partner, boyfriend/girlfriend, husband/wife.

See, it’s simply not possible to generalize about the members of these dramatically different groups. So, I will use the term “bisexual” as described below:

FOR THE PURPOSES OF THIS BLOG, a bisexual woman voluntarily HAS sex, WANTS to have sex, and / or PLANS to have sex in the future with both men and women. This working definition excludes the “college bisexuals,” “attention bisexuals,” and “pathetic bisexuals” I described earlier.

As lesbians, we need to be able to differentiate between the (1) “true bisexuals” and “sport bisexuals,” both of whom can offer us sustainable relationships and / or satisfying sexual experiences AND the (2) “bisexual opportunists,” who will use us for an indeterminate time before moving on to the next man/woman.

Tomorrow, we’ll begin a discussion about how lesbians interact with these three distinct groups.

In no way do I endorse the pursuit of straight women, but, sometimes, we do fall for them. Be warned, however, that this is a treacherous path and can lead to disappointment (minimally) and emotional devastation (when engaged in an extended relationship).

Often, it is NOT the two women involved — not the two personalities, hearts, and souls — but social pressures and peer associations that doom these interactions to never occur or to a short lifespan. Think of all the gay people who are in the closet.

Think of all the personal, social, religious, familial, professional reasons that cause them to stay in that dark and lonely closet. Now, imagine the internal and external struggle of a straight woman when confronted with the choice of entering into a sexual encounter or relationship with another woman.

There are scores of lesbians and bisexuals just waiting to meet the lesbian of their dreams. Although it is simply unavoidable at times, it is not rational to romantically pursue a straight woman. Given that, I wish all of you all the best in all of your romantic endeavors.

You have your friends to confide in. The straight woman probably won’t confide in her friends (at first and maybe never) that she’s had sex with a woman. Don’t be an asshole. Call her first. Invite her to lunch. Bring her a bottle of wine or a small gift.

You have done this before; she hasn’t. It’s a BIG deal. Sex is not just sex. She has never felt this way or experienced the (wondrous) physical sensations involved with lesbian sex. Let her reflect and discuss things with you at her leisure and to her contentment. Some women are moved to tears because they are so overwhelmed. Be compassionate, patient and supportive.

Don’t dwell on the past. Don’t mention your ex-girlfriends unless one of them is on TV or in a movie that you’re currently watching. Really, no one cares. If she brings up ex-boyfriends, change the subject. DON’T get all crazy and pissed off though.

Don’t dwell on the future. No, you may not have a Canadian wedding in your future. You may not have the next weekend. Relax. Don’t tell her about the RV, beach-house, little bar, etc. that you’ve ALWAYS planned to open with the love or your life. Those are YOUR plans and, even though you’ve worked out EVERY detail in your mind, she doesn’t need to hear them now. She doesn’t need to “fit” into your mapped-out existence and, to assume she does, is insulting as hell. 

Don’t assume that you can make plans for her now. She probably doesn’t want to see you play City-League softball or have a pedicure with you at this time.

Don’t rush to introduce her to every lesbian you’re on speaking terms with in the next 24 hours. We all have some scary (however you want to define that) friends. We’re just used to them because they’re our friends, and we love them. Wait a while. Introduce her to one or two (at the most) at a time — OVER time. Avoid couples: both the new couples who make out in front of everybody all the time and the couples who simply tolerate each other because they don’t want to deal with the hassle of breaking up. DON’T take her to a wild lesbian party. DON’T take her to a sedate lesbian barbecue. Baby-steps. You MUST be patient f you want this to last.

Turn your cell off. If you cannot, tell her who is calling you / texting you. Then, tell that person that you’re busy and can’t talk / text. Then, TURN OFF THE FUCKING PHONE.

Don’t stalk her. Ever.

Enjoy your moments together.

Enjoy her enthusiasm.

Enjoy introducing her to new experiences. This is what it’s all about. This has the ability to brighten every harsh moment you will ever have to endure.

Enjoy the present. It’s really all you have and all that matters.

Enjoy turning your cell phone the fuck off. Do you really need to be THAT accessible? Please …

To remind you, The Vibe is a strong, steady, intense, total carnal attraction to another woman. It is physical magnetism. It is NOT an emotion; it is not the result of analysis. It is not desire. For The Vibe to occur, BOTH parties must be Vibing. Vibing is a mutual dynamic.

For those who may not be accustomed to The Vibe — either because of lack of experience, shyness, or lack of self-confidence — the straight woman in question IS PROBABLY NOT Vibing you if she:

1. Wants to do something with you in a group setting only
2. Writes you endless e-mails about her ex-boyfriend
3. Tells you that she has a friend who’s a lesbian
4. Just stares at you
5. Only talks to you when she’s drunk
6. Only wants to chat about gay, political, or social issues
7. Talks to you in a normal speaking voice all the time
8. Is often distracted when you’re around
9. Uses you as her personal psychologist

She may be lusting after you, but it’s a temporary situation that she’ll probably not act upon — OR, she’s a closeted lesbian who may or may not be interested in you.

The straight woman in question PROBABLY IS Vibing you if she:

1. Initiates physical contact often (light hand-touching, gentle arm-rubbing is a giveaway)
2. Lowers her speaking voice, leaning toward you when she’s talking
3. Is afraid to look into your eyes but can’t help it — and then she’s not able to break the gaze
4. Continually asks you the same question(s) (your presence is frying her brain)
5. Has a difficult time leaving you when it’s time to go
6. Gives you at least 95% of her attention when you’re around, maybe more

Of course, YOU’RE Vibing too, so you may not notice any of this. Then again, if you are Vibing, you are probably not even reading this blog because you can’t get your mind off of her.