The Dyke Whisperer

In recognition of the public nastiness that has emerged and will continue to surface from the Etheridge-Michaels split (Melissa filed papers this past Friday), let’s talk about toxic relationships!

You don’t have the time to waste in a toxic relationship. A toxic relationship will drain you of your energy and, eventually, your dignity (cf. Tammy’s blog entries). How do you know you’re in a toxic relationship?

If you hate going home …
If her mere presence makes you angry …
If you know what your next fight is going to be about before it happens …
If you use her bad behavior as an excuse for your bad behavior …
If you feel trapped …
If you feel hopeless …
If your closest friends don’t even listen to you complaining about her any more …

… you’re in a toxic relationship.

Things that Won’t Fix a Toxic Relationship:

1. Moving in together
2. Having / adopting a child
3. Adopting a pet (even a cute one)
4. More time together
5. A weekend get-away
6. A vacation
7. Couple’s therapy
8. Purchasing a home
9. Shouting matches
10. Crying

Get out. Get going.

Give yourself permission to live drama-free.

No need to make a public, trashy spectacle of yourself though.

We’ve seen the poster and the t-shirt: Shit happens. Guess what? Lesbidrama happens … and it seems to happen to some women more than others. Lesbidrama Mamas (LMs).

Everyone has some drama in their lives and in their relationships — storms that emerge and must be weathered; however, there are some women — LMs — who are walking tropical depressions just waiting for the right combination of environmental conditions and … BOOM! We’ve got some nasty drama.

Some signs to look for in identifying a LM:

1. She positions herself as a victim … the ultimate victim. No human has ever suffered like she has. She’ll get quietly pissed off and will mentally shut down if she hears of someone else’s travails. Nothing can compete with her traumatic history.
2. She positions herself as naive, not understanding the complex and cold world of gay women [heavy sigh, wipe away a tear]. “Why are lesbians so mean to each other?” She just needs a good friend or friends to hang out with. Meet some people … some good people.
3. She doesn’t have many close friends. She just kind of appears on the scene. Usually, she’ll mention several false-friends who have fucked her over [heavy sigh, shake of the head].
4. She won’t have a girlfriend and is looking for a girl who is “sweet” and “easy to talk to” and will “just … love .. her.” That translates to almost any woman who already has a girlfriend.
5. She will instantaneously “Facebook Friend” every one of your friends, even the ones she doesn’t like.
6. Her last girlfriend betrayed her in a most heinous way. The LM did her best, offered multiple chances, but the ex proved to have no redeeming traits whatsoever. The girlfriend channeled Iago, obviously.
7. She will NEVER admit to being wrong or at fault.

Someone will feel sorry for the LM and take this “wayward” soul under her nurturing wing. Two months later, the LM has driven a wedge between this kind person, her girlfriend, and at least two close friends.

LMs live for drama. They are social parasites and trouble-makers. Stay away from them. They pack a heavy dose of narcissistic venom and will strike quickly and closely. They seek open wounds and popular targets. Nasty, really nasty.

Don’t get close to these types. The drama scenes might be fun to witness, but the entertainment value decreases sharply when you become a victim of the ultimate “victim.”

My young friend just had a treacherous encounter with a LM. This friend, although a bit bruised, will be wiser in the future and will be more wary, that’s for sure. “Lesson learned,” as she said yesterday.

This is how scary it is out there: Scary Shit. Those of you on either coast, please don’t discount these lunatics. Remember: Prop 8 passed in California.

This is war. People have taking our rights from us in California. We must fight back. We must not become hysterical or violent. We must fight with our dollars.

I invite you to access the Proposition 8 Donor Database. It was compiled By Richard Dalton, a computer-assisted reporting specialist, for the Associated Press. I urge you to boycott the businesses owned by those that supported Prop 8 and promote discrimination against gays and lesbians.

We’re fighting for equality and our families. Keep that in mind when you decide where to vacation, what hotel chain to patronize, and which restaurants to visit. If our enemies want to deprive us of marriage, the least we can do is deprive them of our dollars — all of our dollars.

Unfortunately, we can’t depend on GLAAD and HRC to lead us in our struggle. Obviously, the leaders of these two groups were sleeping when our enemies were plotting, amassing, and strategically leading an assault on us. We still need to support these well-meaning groups, but we need to light a fire under their collective asses and assume individual responsibility if we are to attain the equality guaranteed us under The Constitution.

Fight because it’s the right thing to do. Fight with all your passion. Fight with grace and dignity. Fight with your cash and credit cards. Fight because they’ve given us no choice.

This is a wake-up call.

You know that woman you’re in love with? You know, the one you’ve been pursuing for the last couple of months — or longer? The one that you keep dropping subtle hints to about your attraction to her and your intentions?

Stop with the subtlety already! She’s not getting it! She doesn’t think you’re interested! And, when she does finally get it, she’ll think you’re shy (how freakin’ cute!) or a complete wimp (too bad for you).

Tell her!

(Or, at least, tell her best friend.)

It is despicable to lie to and deceive a close friend. Any woman who would stab a friend in the back for sex is worthless.

Any woman who would stab a friend in the back for any reason is worthless.

Relationships that begin amid lies and deception tend to end amid lies and deception.

In California — a state with a large gay and lesbian population — we have been declared to be second-class citizens.

In California – a popular destination state for gays and lesbians on vacation — we have had our rights stripped from us.

There is something fundamentally, completely, and profoundly wrong with putting the rights of a minority up to a majority vote. If this were being done to almost any other minority, people would riot because of how un-American it is.

Let’s not be blind here. There’s much work to do.

It seems as if Florida and Arizona will pass bans on gay marriage. Arkansas will pass a ban on the adoption of children by gays. As of this writing, we still don’t know what’s going to happen with Proposition 8 in California.

Equality for all Americans. Don’t rest, don’t relax, don’t sleep easy — until we all have the same rights under the same flag.

This is the start, not the end.

Yeah, I was hacked. Until I figure out how to “purify” the black layout, this will do for now.

Recently, I received an e-mail message informing me of a group called 8 Against 8. Eight lesbian bloggers have joined forces to help promote awareness of California’s Prop 8, an initiative to eliminate the rights of same-sex couples in California.

This “California Marriage Protection Act” needs to be sent back to Hell, where it originated.

If you are in California, please vote “NO” on Proposition 8. If you are elsewhere, please consider helping these eight bloggers reach their goal of collecting $8,000 by October 27, 2008 to support the defeat of this repulsive piece-of-shit legislation. Visit 8against8.com. Donations of ANY size are welcome and encouraged.