The Dyke Whisperer

Gentle Readers, 

Okay. I’ve heard you. I’ve been avoiding the relentless stream of e-mails regarding topics related to straight women, but, apparently, that’s pissing some of you off.

Straight women. Dynamic sexuality. Seduction techniques. Sex suggestions. The aftermath.

Stay tuned. It starts on April 14 and continues until your questions are answered.

Thanks for your interest, readership, support, and e-mails.

     – The Dyke Whisperer

Recently, I have received several urgent e-mail messages from women asking me to assist them in authoring Craiglist ads. Now, listen, the possibility of finding a wonderful, sane, stable woman on Craiglist IS a possibility; however, the probability is very, very low — like, lower than winning a multi-million-dollar-lottery prize. It is much easier to find a crazy woman so I will include a template that will streamline and expedite this search.

I Need an Unstable Woman for a Drama-Filled Relationship

Hi there,

I’m seeking a like-minded lady to share a disastrous 3-9 month relationship, ending in acrimony, emotional chaos, and possibly legal proceedings.

My name is _____, I live in _____. I’m __ years old, fairly well educated, hold down a good job, and am pretty stable. I’m told I’m fairly good looking, but I’ll let you be the judge of that. I’m generally caring and very honest.

I am looking for an attractive woman who will at first give me obsessive love, praise, and devotion — but whose paranoia, self-loathing, and fear of rejection and abandonment will eventually lead her to alternately push me away and pull me closer in a love/hate cycle that will lead to infidelity, consensual sexual violence, and the eventual emotional breakdown of one or other party — or, if we’re lucky — both!

You should:

* be 20 to 35 years old;
* have a history of short, intense, drama-driven relationships;
* enjoy degrading and dehumanizing sex;
* be willing to threaten self-harm and/or annihilation as a weapon to control your partner and make her stay with you and care for you.

Although not completely necessary, I would prefer women:

* with nice smiles;
* that have larger than average breasts;
* who are married or already in unstable relationships;
* that drink to forget; and
* who have had a previous established diagnosis of Borderline or Dependent Personality Disorder

If you think you meet these requirements (and, wow, I’m getting excited just writing them!), please don’t hesitate to get back to me as soon as possible. In the meantime, thank you for reading my ad, and do take care.

All the best,

__________