The Dyke Whisperer

I’m currently going through some older questions and will resume the question/answer format soon. Until then, please indulge me …

There’s these pills available at health-food retailers, maybe certain grocery stores, called “Stress Defy.” A kind, but often misguided, shopkeeper gave them to me. He knows I’ve been under some stress recently. Who hasn’t been?

It was an option, I guess. I have no idea how effective these pills are. I tell you, though, last night I sat at a wooden patio table and laughed my ass off for the better part of nine hours. We were silly. And I needed silly.

The mere presence of these pills on the table evolved into a running joke.

Sometimes, we just need to laugh.

It’s Labor Day in the US. That means we should be enjoying our Monday. So, I’m going to post a heart-warming link and enjoy Gay Night at the beer joint across the street. Yes, I realize it’s still afternoon here, but I need to gather my thoughts and smooth lines.

Speaking of True Love: http://www.texasmonthly.com/2009-09-01/letterfromsanangelo-1.php

True Love trumps the notion of a Relationship Lifecycle, renewing itself continuously and vigorously. There’s no beginning — it’s like you were always together and just hadn’t met until a certain wonderful day. There’s no end — it’s like the night sky at the end of a perfect September afternoon.

Yes, it’s a cliche … but it’s like being home, and there’s no lifecycle regarding the warmth and comfort of home.

It’s a tired analogy: when two people meet and there’s a connection, they begin to dance. The rhythm, the pace, the complexity, the intensity are mutually determined, or the dance is awkward. If one wants to foxtrot while the other tangos, it just won’t work.

When we can sync our moves, when it’s natural and right, when we have communion, then we begin our relationships.

As relationships end, there is a dance as well. Fighting is a dance. Hurting is a dance. If you identify this deliberate attempt at inflicting emotional pain, just stop dancing. Stop.

One person cannot fight with another unless the other is willing. Don’t verbally punch back. Put your words in your pocket and keep them there. Walk away.

And, if you do want to fight, ask yourself: “Is it worth it?” For the sake of all the good times, all the beautiful dancing, is it worth it?”

Either way, stop. If the dance isn’t fun anymore, if the rhythm is gone, if the music has soured, stop dancing. There are other partners, other soundtracks, and new beginnings.

Some relationships have a definite lifecycle: they emerge, grow, mature, decline, and die. Sometimes, it’s not about good people and bad people. Sometimes, it’s about personalities and incompatibilities.

I have found — through personal experience and observation — that the key to forming close friendship bonds with exes is the timing of the break-up. If the break-up occurs during the “Decline” phase, a friendship is possible; however, if the break-up comes at the “Death” phase, there’s just nothing left.

It takes a world of maturity and foresight to see the end before the end arrives, to know when to abandon the romantic aspect of the relationship. I think our tendency is to work at it, fight for it. But, the more effort we put into sustaining a dying relationship, the less we have to forge the friendship that would greatly benefit both parties.

Resentment takes hold as we start to change who we are to accommodate someone. “Love,” here, is really familiarity and the fear of the unknown. This sort of false-love is a phantom, leaving us cold at night.

We cling to memories and shared events, to mementos, anecdotes, photos, and songs. We cling to these artifacts because we know we can no longer cling to our partner/lover. Here, with apologies to Plato, the idea of love is more real than the actual emotion. And, we die a little.

I’ve learned that each day, each hour that we cling to the apparition of past-love with a current lover we rob ourselves of an opportunity to find the real thing. It’s like endlessly panning for Fool’s Gold. It’s shiny but worthless — and we’re never able to successfully convince ourselves that it, in any way, approximates the precious metal we seek. So, we die a little.

So, quit dying. Open your eyes. When it’s over, it’s over. Be gracious, be kind, be realistic.

We’re only here for a little while. The search for love is infinitely more important than sustaining false hopes and fools’ dreams.

It’s been a while. Changes. Transformations. Comprehension. Acceptance. Renewal.

I never quit going to school so every September brings to me a sense of rejuvenation and promise. It’s my New Year’s Day today. January 1st is so cliche.

Love and loss. Lost and found. Alive and well.

It’s no time for sentences today. I can feel the first hint of a cool breeze after a summer of soul-robbing heat. Oppressive heat. Continuous heat. No relief. Since May, we’ve had no relief, no release. Since May …

But that has changed.

Seasons pace us, lead us, as they reflect the seasons of our hearts.

It’s never too late. It’s never too early. My gentle readers, it’s time to become who you are. Seek, strive, ride hard before winter comes.

We are strong. Take life and love literally. Get up off the mat, get back in the saddle.

Gusto and gravitas; strength and honor; light and laughter. Fight the good fight. Do not yield. Never yield.

 – The Dyke Whisperer

Love and marriage. A Valentine’s Day post on the subjects of love and marriage. Note that “subjects” is plural. These are two different — and sometimes sadly unrelated — concepts: one a social and legal institution; the other a state of enlightened and elated existence.

Marriage is a religious rite that has come to have legal meaning. With the legal status of marriage in the US, two people receive a multitude of benefits — tax, insurance, decision-making, inheritance, etc. — not afforded to single people.

Any man can marry any woman in the US if they are of legal age, provided they are not brother and sister and not already legally married to someone else. Meth-heads, crack-heads, heroin addicts, child molesters, rapists, murderers, assholes … ANY man and ANY woman of legal age can get married to each other as long as they are not brother and sister or married to another. They can be teenagers, con-artists, liars, gluttons, misogynists, psychotics, neurotics, control-freaks … motivation is never questioned. They can be mentally retarded. They can have Down’s Syndrome. Bedroom practices are never probed and evaluated based on a perception of normalcy. Psychological profiles are never administered.

All of a sudden, though, when it comes to gays getting married, some people view this as a moral affront: WE MUST PROTECT THE SANCTITY OF MARRIAGE, never mentioning the commonality of divorce, the rising numbers of domestic abuse cases, the prevalence of infidelity, and the number of married couples who tolerate each other just because a divorce would cause them the inconvenience of separating their entangled assets.

I have seen couples in love, and it is truly a beautiful sight. It is also a rarity. Gay and straight, old and young, these couples exhibit traits that exemplify the power and scope that is love. Some are legally married, some consider themselves married, and some are not married. Their love is palpable, real, honest, tangible, and shining. It is pleasurable to be around them, to see that love does exists at a level that poets and playwrights have been describing for thousands of years. Love brings out the best in people.

-=*=-

I am a strong and vocal advocate for full and equal gay marriage rights. Why? Because we are US citizens who pay taxes and should be afforded the same rights as other US citizens. It’s a matter of equity, of egalitarianism. It’s the principles (though sometimes not the practices) on which the country was founded. These principles have evolved thankfully so now African Americans are considered full citizens and women can vote.

If a person does not agree that gays should marry because of religious beliefs, fine. Join a church that does not sanctify gay marriages. There are religions that forbid the eating of shellfish and pork. There are those that believe a raped woman should be punished. There are those that advocate the handling of snakes, the wearing of magic underwear, and the worshiping of Satan. I think these people are goofy (and dangerous) as hell, but I would never dream of curtailing their religious beliefs (unless it involved the sexual assault of children, as in the case of pedophile cults). They, in turn, need to stay the fuck away from my legal rights.

What exactly is the threat of gay marriage? The moral destruction of society? Look around you, watch the shocking news stories of the day: war, financial corruption of an infinite degree, “kill parties” where fathers decimate their entire families, boyfriends slamming toddlers against walls, pestilence, poverty — and some people are threatened by GAY MARRIAGE? Give me a fucking break.

But, you know what? It’s Valentine’s Day, an artificial holiday with roots in ancient Rome. It’s a day to talk about love, flowers, chocolates, and sentiments both real and staged. Right?

EVERY day should be a celebration of love, true love. It’s this simple: love is about selflessness, affection, intimacy, trust, and respect. There is no sacrifice involved: it’s not a sacrifice to want to make a loved one happy.

You don’t “work” on love — it either exists or it doesn’t. Love does not insult, and it does not neglect. It does not allow for mind-fucking, belittling, malice, manipulation, and violence of ANY kind, under ANY circumstances.

It is NOT a quid pro quo system: I’ll do x, if you do y. I’ll let you go shopping, if you let me go bowling. It’s not a negotiation. It’s not temporary. It doesn’t ebb and flow. Don’t believe me? All you need to do is watch two people who are in love interact.

-=*=-

I can be prevented from marrying, but I can still be in love. Others can marry freely but may never experience the joy, liberation, and intensity of being in love. That’s really the sum of it.

To tell you the truth, I’d rather have it that way. And, although we may not have access to the over 1,500 various rights that straight people of ANY moral, financial, and psychological composition can obtain, we can still experience true love. They can’t take that away from us. No one can take that away from us.

On a personal note, given the choice between a legal marriage devoid of true love and an unsanctioned, outlaw union based on love, I’ll take the latter every time. Every damn time.

Best regards to all of you, all the time. The Spring is approaching. I can feel it. It’s time to saddle-up and search for windmills.

This is how scary it is out there: Scary Shit. Those of you on either coast, please don’t discount these lunatics. Remember: Prop 8 passed in California.

I apologize for the sporadic posting of late: I’ve been occupied and stressed with professional obligations and a few personal matters. Beyond that, there was travel, a nasty cold, Thanksgiving, the approaching Holidays … you understand, I’m sure.

I do appreciate your support and goodwill. Last week, at a local bar, I was both flattered and shocked to hear a lesbian couple discuss this blog! They were discussing the definition of love I presented several months ago. I had never met them or seen them before. That was an amazing feeling!

Thank all of you in California and elsewhere who have contributed to the effort to dispose of Proposition 8. We must not rest. Civil Unions? That’s crap. “Separate But Equal” equates to inequality, folks.

Stay sane during these trying economic times. Stay generous. Stay supportive. Give yourself a break from the news. Breathe. Love.

Most women, when stressed, need to know that we care enough about them to inquire as to the source of the stress. No, she probably won’t tell you what’s wrong the first time you ask. She might tell you one of the things that’s bothering her.

Keep asking.

Your persistence is tangible evidence to a reasonable but stressed woman that you care about her. Don’t dismiss her concerns. Simply discussing what’s bothering her will relieve some stress.

The reward for your persistence will be her trust and, in some cases, her heart.

If you’re insincere and just trying to score some cheap points by seeming to be sympathetic/empathetic, grow the fuck up.