The Dyke Whisperer

Well, I haven’t posted much this year. Too much material and not enough time to reflect. And, now that I have that time, I don’t want to reflect.

I am periodically reminded how little I know about the most important of topics: the human heart in conflict with itself. It’s really the only serious subject matter going these days … and even then, upon close examination, there’s a definite silly element to it.

There’s a certain fearlessness that I have retained throughout the years. It’s not of my doing; it’s genetic. What I have lost is the willingness to engage in an external struggle while an internal one rages. To clarify, I find no real reason — no motivation –to fight for someone who I’m not sure is worth fighting for because, if she were, she wouldn’t have put me in this position in the first place.

It’s a romantic tautology that lacks romance. It’s a pit of glowing embers that occasionally is sparked by a favorable wind. It’s like trying to save the drops of ice cream escaping from a cone on a hot summer afternoon.

Does 2012 hold promise? Of course. Does it hold heartache? No doubt. Does it hold within these upcoming 365 days the ability to re-shape my thoughts and the boundaries of my heart? Yes.

Then, let’s get to it. I’m ready …

Tonight will be quiet, and I’m perfectly all right with that. 2010 marked a year of reflection, and reflection requires a measure of stillness. I learned to reflect more this year.

Sometimes we forget the emotional walls we constructed long ago under times of duress, solitude, and sadness. These walls have become a part of us, although we don’t even know they exist anymore. The intimate relations we crave cannot blossom when faced with these barriers.

If we’re lucky — really lucky — we encounter someone who tries to find an opening in our wall or a way around it. That effort should alert us to the fact that somebody truly wants to get to know us. I guess that’s something I learned in 2010: that “intimate” means no walls.

If you’re depressed, you may be living too much in the past. Mistakes, regrets, losses are weighing you down.

If you’re anxious, you may be living too much in the future … afraid of mights, coulds, and maybes.

Live for now and the woman sitting across from you at dinner. The past is gone and the future isn’t real. Events that occurred long ago and those that we think could occur in the future provide the materials needed to construct walls designed to protect and preserve. Remember, though — these walls also serve to isolate and cage.

In late 2010, I learned that it’s better to be vulnerable than caged, as scary as that is. Vulnerability is proof that your heart still works as it should.

The willingness to expose flesh and feelings to another takes  tremendous courage, trust, humor, and strength. Walls self-constructed to protect a vulnerable heart do more damage to that organ than any other person could muster in a lifetime because they prevent a heart from loving and from being loved.

Let 2011 be the Year of the Free-Range Heart … vulnerable as hell but free to discover the magic and mystery of another free-range heart.

Happy New Year and best regards always,
 ~ The Dyke Whisperer

Good news today for the gays of Massachusetts!  A Judge in Boston ruled that Congress violated both the 10th Amendment and the Due Process Clause of Fifth Amendment of the US Constitution, ruling the heinous Defense of Marriage Act (DOMA) unconstitutional. 

Let’s not get too excited though: A District court ruled that DOMA is unconstitutional. This ruling is binding precedent only within that district. On appeal, it will go to a circuit court. That ruling is only binding precedent in that circuit. The only way it will be ruled unconstitutional for the entire US is if it is appealed to the Supreme Court.

In other words, we can celebrate a small victory, but we should be prepared to face a severe backlash as socially conservative political opportunists use this ruling to motivate their followers to vote against progressive candidates in November.

It’s been a while, hasn’t it?

I needed to take a break from writing and the blog. I believed my perspective was being distorted by a severed relationship (it ended over a year ago, but the aftermath endured for a while) and several developments in my professional life. The end of that relationship and the professional changes have both had a positive impact on me emotionally and intellectually. Yes, we remain friends in case you’re wondering.

So, here I am at the end of June. 2010 is practically half over and the young summer finds me single, focused, busy, and grateful to the friends and family in my life. The more radical the changes one experiences, the faster one learns. I stand ready to blog again … although the frequency with which I update might be sporadic because of a hectic schedule and an adventurous social life. In other words, I tend to work and play too much. I like it that way.

Time is, after all, the most precious of our resources — along with, of course, faith, hope, and love.

I have a back-log of your emails; I have a renewed hunger for life. I hope this combination proves to be entertaining and helpful to you, my faithful readers.

Speaking of entertainment, I have agreed to serve as a lab animal for a nutrition experiment to be conducted by a team of grad students. How can this situation NOT be entertaining … to you, at least?

It’s Friday. It’s sunny. It’s warm. I can see the late afternoon from here …

Oscar Wilde reminds us that “a dreamer is one who can only find his way by moonlight, and his punishment is that he sees the dawn before the rest of the world.” I hope to do some dreaming this summer. I hope to live those dreams this fall … and spend the winter happily reflecting on them.

Toss off any harness you are wearing; you have the power to do so. Trust me.

- The Dyke Whisperer

Here’s some rhetorical questions concerning a situation that most of us either have faced or will face:

How long before we let what once was a spectacular, fulfilling relationship go on before we finally pull the plug? How many chances do we either extend to, or accept from, the woman who was once our everything? When do we say “enough”?

Discounting infidelity, abuse, or addiction issues, when is it really over?

How can you say “no” to a reconciliation with the woman who brought you more happiness than anyone else? How can you balance the past, present, and future with her? And, above all, how do you apply logic and reason to matters of a living, breathing heart that remembers what it wants to remember and is linked to so many songs, images, textures, scents, and meaningless everyday objects?

When and how do you accept dreams as simply dreams? How do you send or ignore texts, emails, Facebook messages, phone calls, and the strange telepathic/sympathetic system it took years to create?

How do you say “no” to one more try? One more weekend in the college town where you met? One more trip to an isolated, warm Gulf Coast beach in the midst of an Arctic blast? One more lunch at a favorite Tex-Mex restaurant? One more beer session at a favorite tavern? One more kiss …

To tell you the truth, gentle readers, I apologize because I have no answers for you.

I did say ”enough” though. And I meant it.

This morning, Meredith Baxter announced on the Today show that she was a lesbian. Rumors had circulated for years. The announcement came after The National Enquirer printed an article that she had been vacationing “on a lesbian cruise.”

“I guess I wanted to… say that I’m a lesbian,” Baxter revealed. “It was a later-in-life recognition of that fact.”

The 62-year-old actress has been living life as a lesbian for 7 years and acknowledged that she has been in a relationship for 4 years with contractor Nancy Locke. She asserts that it was only after becoming involved with another woman that she realized why her three marriages to men ended in divorce.

“I got involved with someone I never expected to get involved with and it was that kind of awakening and I never fought it because it was like, ‘Oh! I understand why I had the issues I had early in my life,’” Baxter said. She continued: “I had a great deal of difficulty connecting with men in relationships… Sometimes, I assumed I was a bad picker … because there were problems with the people I chose. It never occurred to me to think, ‘Oh, it’s me.’”

It’s never too late to find the happiness that your heart is leading you to.

From a Saturday night conversation:

“If you haven’t dated at least one nutjob, you have NEVER set foot inside a lesbian bar.”

Lesbians take too long breaking up.  When it’s over, it’s over.

The desperate, angry attempts to sustain a dead relationship kill the possibility of a friendship. If you’re fighting to keep a relationship alive, it’s the wrong relationship.

It took me YEARS to learn this: choose your fights carefully. Fighting for someone or something you WANT is one thing; fighting for someone or something you NEED is another. Fighting for someone/something you WANT is short-sighted and draining and, unfortunately, compromises our spirit and energy when we have to fight for someone/something we NEED.

I believe we need to fight for ourselves and our own best interests. We need to determine what’s best for US. To consider and refine OUR dreams. To identify and wish upon OUR stars.

I advise you not to diminish your potential and not to waste your time trying to change water into wine. Here’s a gem of wisdom for you: you can’t change anybody. I know it’s frustrating because you can see the potential someone has and know that, with a few (seemingly) minor tweaks, she would be an ideal companion for you. The problem is, the tweaks won’t be minor to her and, sadly, the potential you see is in YOUR heart and mind and not in her composition as a person. In reality, she just isn’t who you think she CAN be.

That realization sucks, by the way.

Another Friday … it’s been a trying week, but that’s all behind us now.

It’s Halloween for those of us in the States. Remember what it felt like to be a kid in costume? I encourage you to try and recapture that feeling. Hell, try to recapture it every day.

This is it. The one life you get. Make a point to enjoy it this weekend.