Let me be clear: DON’T CHEAT. Just don’t do it. Break up with your girlfriend/partner/wife BEFORE pursuing another woman.
IS THAT CLEAR ENOUGH?
No excuse. There’s just no excuse. And, if you’re caught, you deserve what you get. You really do.
You want your current girlfriend to hate you — REALLY hate you? Then pursue another woman, begin a relationship with that woman, and THEN break up with your girlfriend.
Please … break up with her if you don’t want her. Don’t tolerate her presence until you firmly have your disgusting hands on the next girlfriend.
Oh … and saying that you want “to be friends” with her — after she KNOWS you’re already with someone else and were deceiving her the last [insert number here] months of your relationship — MAKES IT MUCH WORSE.
Less than two weeks ago, a friend texted me the news that lab results of a biopsy indicated that she had cancerous cells in her body. The entire process was scary and stressful, as you either know or can imagine.
This past Friday, as I reminisced with an old friend about our crazy past, we were inspired to call another old friend. I called as she was waiting to undergo a biopsy. I had no idea. She had informed only a few people of the presence of lumps in both breasts.
She underwent a biopsy and received the news yesterday: the lumps are malignant and she will have to undergo a double-mastectomy.
They are both ultra-feisty women, brawlers and bad-asses. Both will survive. One is a protege, and one is a hero of mine. Both will receive an unending supply of my love, affection, support, strength, inappropriate humor and optimism.
We are warriors and nurturers. We will fight this together.
Once again, with feeling — fuck cancer.
Love you LB and KF.
Dear Dyke Whisperer, Here’s a practical question for you … what’s the BEST gift to get your girlfriend?
Waiting in San Diego
Dear Waiting,
If you’ve been reading for a while, you know I won’t give you a conventional answer to a seemingly simple, straightforward question.
I think the best gift to offer to your girlfriend (assuming she’s worthy of your devotion) is your consistent, persistent, and honest love.
Yes, I’m a big sap sometimes.
Dear Dyke Whisperer, I have a problem. I’ll make it short and sweet. My girlfriend treats me well in private but like shit in public. She’s always trying to be the “Player” whenever we’re around friends or women in general. Once we get back home, she’s sweet again. I have talked to her about it. She changes her behavior for a little while but then starts acting like a jerk again.
Do I talk to her AGAIN? Or, what?
Angry in Austin
Dear Angry,
You know, if she needs that much attention from your friends and other women, dump her ass. You shouldn’t need to tell your girlfriend to treat you better in public. She’s an asshole for being an asshole to you around others, and she’s being totally fake as well.
How do you know which one is the real girlfriend? The nice one or the jerk? Truth is, you DON’T know which one is real, although you thought you did at one point. Dump her attention-whore ass and find a grown-up.
Sometimes, you just have to wait it out. Strength and honor. If it’s worth it, wait it out.
It’s not a sign of weakness; it’s a sign of wisdom.
Wikipedia provides an excellent description of a military strategy called scorched earth policy. While marching through or withdrawing from an area, an army destroys everything that might be useful to the enemy. A scorched earth policy would entail the poisoning of wells, the slaughter of cattle so their carcasses rot in a pasture, the demolition of houses, and the torching of oil wells.
This brutal (but effective) strategy has been used by the Scythians against the Persians in ancient times, the Carthaginians, William the Conqueror, General Sherman in his “March to the Sea” in the American Civil War, Stalin against the Germans in WWII, and Iraqi forces in the Gulf War of 1990.
I’ve noticed recently that this policy is also used by some lesbians during break-ups.
Dear Asshole,
Look. Feelings change. Or, more accurately, feelings become more clearly defined over time. It’s understandable. You were looking for someone new. Problem is, you were in a relationship … with a woman who was in love with you.
You went through most of the motions until the end. You were just irritable, at first. You began to make subtle moves on another woman, feeling her out. Meanwhile, your girlfriend didn’t understand why you were so irritable and distant. Was it your job? You know who she ultimately blamed? Herself. And, you knew it and let her.
She tried to please you. You ignored her. You are such a coward. You didn’t have the courage or decency to be honest with her. Fact is, you couldn’t stand her anymore. You found your next girlfriend, the “girlfriend-in-waiting.” You figured that if you treated your official girlfriend like shit, that she would eventually leave you, and you would look like the “good guy” in front of your mutual friends, your family, and, most critically to you, your girlfriend-in-waiting.
Speaking of your friends, yes, there was one who knew you were cheating , courting another woman while in a relationship. She helped you, didn’t she? Encouraged you.
Speaking of the girlfriend-in-waiting, you are the victim in her eyes, aren’t you? Trying to be noble while in such a horrible relationship. Yeah, right. She just wanted to save you, comfort you. Such optimism! Such bullshit …
So your official girlfriend grew desperate and overly emotional. You called her crazy. Of course, you weren’t cheating, you told her convincingly.
Then, over something trivial, you finally did it! You broke up with her. Maybe she forgot to go to the dry cleaner’s or take the dog in for a vaccine. You told her you don’t want to be with her anymore. Wait, that’s not right … you still want to be “friends.”
At this point, she really did go crazy: none of this made sense to her. Her friends were telling her that you’re an asshole, and she defended you, time and time again. Her friends grew really pissed off at her, calling her an idiot and not understanding why she was putting up with you. She may even have lost friends over this, over you.
She wanted it to work out. Being so generous of spirit, you agreed — and you continued to treat her like shit, knowing full well that she was spending most of her nights crying and most of her days completely miserable. She blamed herself for that too.
Meanwhile, you told the girlfriend-in-waiting to be patient. You were slipping around, sending her sweet text messages, and engaging in private flirting on Facebook and Twitter.
This time, the still-official girlfriend called it off. She desperately wanted you to fight for her, to tell her that you still loved her. No. You simply shrugged your pathetic shoulders and said, “Okay, if that’s what you want.”
She broke up with you. You were out on the town with the new girlfriend instantaneously. Hell, why not? You were just dumped, right?
That’s a horrific break-up for the now ex-girlfriend, but here’s where Scorched Earth comes into play:
She finds out about the other woman. She finds out that you were cheating on her. She figures out the time-line. She feels like the biggest fool and loser on the planet.
And she blames herself.
There’s nothing left accept anger, pain, and even more anger. You’ve scorched her to the point where her next relationship will be fucked up — all because of your cowardice and selfishness.
You’re a complete piece of shit. I hope to run into you soon, and I’m not a coward.
– D
I’ve seen this too often lately. This needs to stop. We shouldn’t be doing this to each other. We’re better than this. If you no longer want to be in a relationship, tell her. Let her hurt with her dignity and pride in tact.
How much legitimate meaning is encompassed in a question that begins as follows:
“Why do all lesbians …?”
How meaningful will the response be?
Are we that uniform? That generalizable? Age, location, education, cultures and sub-cultures, rural and urban, socioeconomic level … what can we say about ourselves as a group? Other than being sexually and emotionally attracted to women, what exactly do we have in common?
Professionally and personally, I have explored generational differences and have lectured on the topic. Examining characteristics and trends, we recognize that, yes, there are generational differences.
We call those born from the late 1970s to the early 1990s “Generation Y,” “The Millennials,” or, as labelled by Mark Bauerlein, ”The Dumbest Generation.” Many of these youngsters cannot recall owning a cassette tape or a world without superstar Madonna.
They live in their fully customizable worlds, where they can create their own playlists, online identities, and RSS feeds. Tech-savvy, independent, and natural problem-solvers, they are the future, like it or not.
They seem more serious somehow, but they’re having serious fun too.
The process by which lizards regrow their injured and discarded tails is called autotomy. There are planes along which the lizard’s tail snaps off. Meanwhile, the lizard contracts his muscles, minimizing the bleeding from his wound. The regeneration of his tale begins immediately.
After witnessing a young friend have her heart excised, slammed to the ground, trampled, and spat upon by her girlfriend (now ex-girlfriend, obviously) … after hearing similar tales of betrayal and deceit at the table where we sat trying to console our despondent friend … after wondering how anyone could be so adept at such icy cruelty and pathological deception, I realized that our hearts must be capable of autotomy as well.
We tighten up and try to minimize the bleeding. In the warmth of the support of our friends and with even a minimal trace of optimism, our hearts begin to regenerate.
Mean people truly do suck, but they can’t permanently crush our hearts and they can’t steal our dreams.
Old friends provide the foundation for our lives and activities. They know us better than we think. Really.
New friends keep us energized. They allow us to expand our horizons and grow.
Spend time with your friends. Don’t neglect them for lovers. Don’t neglect them for anyone.
