The Dyke Whisperer

Good news today for the gays of Massachusetts!  A Judge in Boston ruled that Congress violated both the 10th Amendment and the Due Process Clause of Fifth Amendment of the US Constitution, ruling the heinous Defense of Marriage Act (DOMA) unconstitutional. 

Let’s not get too excited though: A District court ruled that DOMA is unconstitutional. This ruling is binding precedent only within that district. On appeal, it will go to a circuit court. That ruling is only binding precedent in that circuit. The only way it will be ruled unconstitutional for the entire US is if it is appealed to the Supreme Court.

In other words, we can celebrate a small victory, but we should be prepared to face a severe backlash as socially conservative political opportunists use this ruling to motivate their followers to vote against progressive candidates in November.

Dear Dyke Whisperer,

Why do I always seem to get my heart broken? Why don’t my relationships work out? I think I’m a good person, but I always get shit on and used. I’ve had a variety of girlfriends, but none were willing to give me what I was more than willing to give them. I’m tired of being the experiment for confused straight girls and the patsy for cheating lesbians. How do you find the right woman?

Sandy in Tucson

[I receive a lot of email messages like this]

Dear Sandy,

The reason you’ve gotten your heart broken in the past is so you’ll appreciate the right woman when she comes along. How do you know it’s the right woman? Well, for one, she won’t break your heart. Yes, it’s a tautology, I know that.

The point is that you won’t know it’s the right woman or not unless you keep trying to find her. So don’t give up.

Look for someone solid — not a cute tease who will lure you in for sport. Look for someone with long-term, faithful friends: this is an indication of a trustworthy, loving woman. Look for someone who follows through on promises and is consistent, especially regarding you.

Look for a woman who could easily live without you but doesn’t want to. Look for someone who appreciates you and is naturally inclined to protect you and your feelings. Look for someone who cares about your pets and family. Look for someone who nurtures you and your dreams when you’re down and motivates you to soar beyond your current boundaries when you’re up.

Look for someone who is open and emotionally available. Look for a woman who listens, one who communicates with you easily. Look for a woman who is emotionally fearless. Above all, look for someone who isn’t afraid to love you and freely express this love.

Don’t compromise for a woman knowing that she doesn’t meet your criteria. That’s the wrong woman — one who will lead you to more heartbreak. Don’t think you’ll fix anyone because you can’t. Don’t let lust blind you and loneliness drive you to arms that will prove to be fickle or false. Don’t rush things but don’t be afraid.

Again, don’t be afraid.

In recognition of the public nastiness that has emerged and will continue to surface from the Etheridge-Michaels split (Melissa filed papers this past Friday), let’s talk about toxic relationships!

You don’t have the time to waste in a toxic relationship. A toxic relationship will drain you of your energy and, eventually, your dignity (cf. Tammy’s blog entries). How do you know you’re in a toxic relationship?

If you hate going home …
If her mere presence makes you angry …
If you know what your next fight is going to be about before it happens …
If you use her bad behavior as an excuse for your bad behavior …
If you feel trapped …
If you feel hopeless …
If your closest friends don’t even listen to you complaining about her any more …

… you’re in a toxic relationship.

Things that Won’t Fix a Toxic Relationship:

1. Moving in together
2. Having / adopting a child
3. Adopting a pet (even a cute one)
4. More time together
5. A weekend get-away
6. A vacation
7. Couple’s therapy
8. Purchasing a home
9. Shouting matches
10. Crying

Get out. Get going.

Give yourself permission to live drama-free.

No need to make a public, trashy spectacle of yourself though.

We’ve seen the poster and the t-shirt: Shit happens. Guess what? Lesbidrama happens … and it seems to happen to some women more than others. Lesbidrama Mamas (LMs).

Everyone has some drama in their lives and in their relationships — storms that emerge and must be weathered; however, there are some women — LMs — who are walking tropical depressions just waiting for the right combination of environmental conditions and … BOOM! We’ve got some nasty drama.

Some signs to look for in identifying a LM:

1. She positions herself as a victim … the ultimate victim. No human has ever suffered like she has. She’ll get quietly pissed off and will mentally shut down if she hears of someone else’s travails. Nothing can compete with her traumatic history.
2. She positions herself as naive, not understanding the complex and cold world of gay women [heavy sigh, wipe away a tear]. “Why are lesbians so mean to each other?” She just needs a good friend or friends to hang out with. Meet some people … some good people.
3. She doesn’t have many close friends. She just kind of appears on the scene. Usually, she’ll mention several false-friends who have fucked her over [heavy sigh, shake of the head].
4. She won’t have a girlfriend and is looking for a girl who is “sweet” and “easy to talk to” and will “just … love .. her.” That translates to almost any woman who already has a girlfriend.
5. She will instantaneously “Facebook Friend” every one of your friends, even the ones she doesn’t like.
6. Her last girlfriend betrayed her in a most heinous way. The LM did her best, offered multiple chances, but the ex proved to have no redeeming traits whatsoever. The girlfriend channeled Iago, obviously.
7. She will NEVER admit to being wrong or at fault.

Someone will feel sorry for the LM and take this “wayward” soul under her nurturing wing. Two months later, the LM has driven a wedge between this kind person, her girlfriend, and at least two close friends.

LMs live for drama. They are social parasites and trouble-makers. Stay away from them. They pack a heavy dose of narcissistic venom and will strike quickly and closely. They seek open wounds and popular targets. Nasty, really nasty.

Don’t get close to these types. The drama scenes might be fun to witness, but the entertainment value decreases sharply when you become a victim of the ultimate “victim.”

My young friend just had a treacherous encounter with a LM. This friend, although a bit bruised, will be wiser in the future and will be more wary, that’s for sure. “Lesson learned,” as she said yesterday.