My Saturday Night, Part 2
Why don’t they just break up already?
Reflecting on that night, sitting across the table from a young couple whose incompatibilities were obvious to everyone present, I realize now why they’re clinging so tightly to one another despite the fights, inadequate communication, disrespect, and constant disappointments.
Each has had to contend with tragedies; each has trust issues; each has control issues; each had an exit strategy from Day 1.
The mood swings, the outbursts of emotion, the lack of emotion, the various dysfunctions, medications, and pride … they’re looking for a solution in a partner. Unfortunately, it doesn’t work that way.
A partner cannot fix you, cleanse you, exorcise your demons, heal emotional scars, or cure psychological disorders. That has to come from within you. A partner’s support helps in the short-term — but fights, stress, and strain cause that support to be withdrawn — leaving each wounded soul worse off than before.
The support becomes a crutch, an analgesic. Remove it and resentment will naturally begin to accumulate. Never mind the reason for removing it: support is expected unconditionally because that’s what unconditional love is, right? Well, no — this has nothing to do with love.
If the “supporter” becomes entwined in her own issues, anger will flood the relationship, as both adamantly believe that the other is being selfish, unloving, unsupportive, and wrong.
Troubled people can become mentally and emotionally addicted to this support.
No, this has nothing to do with love, of course. This is the selfish desire for a fix. This is unhealthy and unsustainable. This will leave both parties less trusting, less stable, and more determined than ever to find a new fix when the relationship finally ends after an extended and horrific break-up/make-up period. Maybe one or both will look for a new fix before the relationship ends.
It’s not pleasant to witness an unhealthy relationship.
If you’re in such a relationship — as the “supporter” who is being emotionally black-mailed, GET OUT. RUN.
If you’re the one demanding continuous support even for self-destructive activities and even when your partner is struggling with her own issues … never mind, you probably won’t admit it. It’s never your fault anyway, right?
