The Dyke Whisperer

Dear Dyke Whisperer, I am attracted to a woman I’ve known for a little over a month. I know that she likes me, but I can’t tell if she likes me in a romantic sense. I feel all electric when I’m around her. Should I mention this to her? Should I wait?

Electric in Aurora, CO

Dear Electric,

1. Let her know that you are available. Make sure she knows you’re single, that you have no ties — physical or emotional — to any other woman.
2. Try to verify that she is single and available. She may be one without the other. That’s just trouble. She may not be open to a romantic relationship with any woman for reasons unknown to you at this time. Talk to her. Listen.
3. Enjoy your time together.
4. Try to reserve prime dating time if possible. Make plans for Thursday, Friday, and/or Saturday nights. If she’s agreeable to this, she may very well be interested in you romantically. At least, you’ll know she’s not involved with someone else.
5. Be dependable and consistent. Call when you say you’re going to call. Let her in on your day-to-day routine (s).
6. Be fun, compassionate, understanding, open, and agreeable. Make her want to spend time with you.

That being said, be patient if you are interested in a long-term relationship. You still haven’t known her very long. If, after another month, you still are unsure of her feelings, you’ll probably have to tell her or risk going crazy.

When you do, speak from the heart but don’t allow yourself to be overcome by emotion because that’s just scary. Tell her that you enjoy the time you both spend together and that you would like to go out on a date with her to explore a possible romantic connection. Smile. Don’t get all serious.

Good luck!

Dear Dyke Whisperer, What makes someone a “great lover?”

Tina in Fort Walton Beach

Dear Tina,

Being a “great lover” has to do with sexual compatibility, more so than tricks, stamina, or extensive knowledge — although tricks, stamina, and extensive knowledge can be extremely beneficial.

Sometimes two people are nearly completely physically compatible, i.e., they are able to effortlessly satisfy each other sexually. Each would consider the other a great lover, although a random woman might have a less than stellar sexual experience with either one of them.

Generally speaking, I think a great lover is a woman who can quickly assess what a woman wants sexually and deliver it. A great lover manages sexual expectations and then exceeds them. A great lover leaves her partner feeling complete and is able to make a woman feel simultaneously confident and free, wild and safe. A great lover satisfies while leaving her partner already dreaming of the next encounter. Finally, a great lover makes virtually all her sexual partners feel like great lovers themselves.

Dear Dyke Whisperer, Please explain “mixed emotions.” Why do some women run hot then cold when you first meet them? 

Baffled in Austin

So one day she’s attentive and engaging; the next day, she’s cold and disinterested. One day, you think your new relationship is blossoming; the next, she doesn’t return your phone call. She’s affectionate one day; stand-offish the next.

She’s either crazy or frightened. Unless she definitively proves otherwise, assume she’s frightened. Be patient. It’s just a dance those that have been wounded perform. It’s important, though, that YOU remain consistent.

If you’re the one doing this dance, trust her. Be cautious but give her the opportunity to get to know you.

Sometimes, it’s just a good day. When life, the weather, and your internal environment all agree that it’s a good day, you have the obligation to enjoy it fully.

After all, there’s enough bad days.

Don’t be sucked in by anyone else’s problems on a good day. Emotional vampires are everywhere, looking to suck the joy right out of your soul — through your ear, as they bombard you with tedious, repetitive, mostly self-imposed issues and morose conversation.

Just enjoy the day, the dusk, the night, the starlight, the pleasant companionship, small victories, the slight breeze, major accomplishments, camaraderie, love, Mystery Beer (if so inclined), laughs, and the present. Deal with any and all bullshit tomorrow — over iced tea and Asian food, preferably.

I think most of my friends remember what it was like during college and in the years immediately afterwards. We were wild, reckless, impulsive, and invincible.

Unfortunately, many of our contemporaries do not remember this phase in their lives. Some acquaintances I ran around with years ago now have the nerve to criticize the youth of today, although they themselves were some of the wildest and most irresponsible people I knew back in the day.

We’re not so much different. We’re just on opposite sides of the life-chasm that is our 20′s. Some of us are on the deep end, where the water of uncertainty is rough, and the winds of judgement and criticism sting our faces. Some of us, through perseverance, luck, and diligence have made it to the shallow end, where we occasionally struggle but at least we know who and what we are.

To those in the deep end: life won’t always be this chaotic and choices made won’t seem so final and mind-shattering.

To those in the shallow part: we have so much to learn from those less seasoned because they are us. We are not superior, stronger, smarter, or faster. We just started the race sooner.

And, you know what? All of us have good days and bad days. We could probably all stand to be more rested. On the best days, we’re luminous beings; on the worst, we question our value and deny our worth in this world.

Most of the time, though, we’re just scrappy, hard-working little monkeys who could have used a few more hours of sleep last night.

I recently spoke at length to a serious devotee of Eastern Philosophies and practices. He informed me — in a most gentle and friendly manner — that I was “out of balance,” i.e., that too much of my energy was concentrated in my head area. I was overloaded with the “air element,” as most of my professional life involves thinking, speaking, writing, and analyzing. Head stuff, you know.

He suggested that I become more gounded (literally) by walking barefoot in grass and spending time at the beach, where I would be exposed to earth and water. The fire element seemed fairly in check, according to him, and manifests in my insatiable desire for hot food and hot women — which, as we know, can be one in the same.

Now, the beach does have a magical and therapeutc effect on me. I have commented that I can feel my stress melt away as I play in the surf. And, rivers are appealing as hell.

None of this is earth-shattering information: blue water and rivers relax people. Well, unless you’re afraid of water and hate sand.

The concept, though, of channeling energy throughout the body for balance makes sense. The notion that we may be too intellectually focused sounds reasonable as well.

So try to maintain a balance of the physical and the mental. Go to the beach. Walk barefoot in the park.

For a quick — but expensive — re-channeling of energy, strip clubs work well too. An enthusiastic lap dance (or three) by a toned, friendly, attractive, articulate woman can definitely rearrange your energy particles in a most timely fashion. You’d be amazed how quickly your mental energy starts moving south.

Your birthday is as good a time as any to reflect upon your life and years. To re-evaluate, adjust, make changes, seek happiness, discard old dreams, and invite new ones to rejuvenate what could be described as a tired mind.

The past is not prologue. What we have done doesn’t define who we are. We are able to re-invent ourselves, set new goals, ignore past indiscretions, and reconcile questionable decisions. After all, statistics tells us that the result of every coin flip is independent of the previous result.

It’s taken me a long time to figure this out — and, really, it’s just a line from The Wonderful Wizard of Oz (the movie): “A heart should not be judged by how much it loves but by how much it is loved by others.”

And, that’s the sum of it. The best feeling in the world is to be loved. Loving someone doesn’t guarantee happiness or peace of mind; however, being loved makes the bad times bearable and the good times legendary.

Dear Dyke Whisperer, My girlfriend wants to be a police officer. I told her that I couldn’t deal with worrying about her being killed every night. She says she’s going to do it anyway. Our relationship is now filled with tension and anger. Any suggestions?

Denise in Houston

Dear Denise,

You should either support her decision or leave the relationship. She has every right to pursue a career that interests/inspires her. You have no say in the matter, but you, of course, do have the option of staying or leaving.

Dear Dyke Whisperer, Would you want a gay child?

Jan in Reno

Dear Jan,

If I wanted children, I would want a child that is confident, loving, tolerant, compassionate, kind, curious, playful, and happy. Nothing else would matter to me.

Dear Dyke Whisperer, My wife and I used to have sex four or five times a week — great sex! Then, two months ago, she seemed to lose all interest. She won’t even touch me now. I’ve given her space and haven’t pressured her, but I’m getting really concerned. What should I do?

Worried in Round Rock

Dear Worried,

Two general things could be happening:

1. She could be having some health problems or be undergoing some hormonal changes that leave her with no interest in sex.
2. She could be having an emotional issue, maybe involving you, family, or work. Or, she might have emotionally connected with someone else and, yes, she might be having sex with that person.

Of course, the ramifications of each is extreme. Try the health angle first. Ask her if she’s feeling all right. If she assures you she’s physically all right. Try to have a gentle discussion about (1) her feelings and (2) your relationship and how she feels about it.