The Dyke Whisperer

Dear Dyke Whisperer, I have a loving girlfriend who seems to be perfect in every way except one. I don’t know. Maybe I’m being too picky. Most every Friday, she goes to a Happy Hour with her friends and gets absolutely shit-faced drunk. Because of my work schedule, I usually can’t attend. She never drives and is always home by 8:00 pm or so. It’s really bothering me that she has this need to get really drunk once a week. What do you think?

CL in Rochester

Dear CL,

I think you are being too picky. It doesn’t sound like she’s excluding you. It just sounds like a routine she uses to unwind. Maybe she’s the perfect girlfriend because she has this opportunity to cut-loose after her work week.

Further, she’s NOT driving and is coming home at a relatively early hour. Obviously, she’s not abusive after she’s been drinking or she wouldn’t be the perfect girlfriend — and I think you would have mentioned it if she was abusive while drunk.

I suggest you accept her Friday Happy Hours and not complain. Welcome her home with some water and tolerance. As long as she’s not endangering herself or others — and is not neglecting or abusing you — I think you should let her have her fun.

Dear Dyke Whisperer, I found out yesterday that my supposed best friend slept with my girlfriend while we were together — several times. She (my supposed best friend) says it’s no big deal because we’re not together anymore. I am bewildered and want to confront them both as soon as I stop crying. What should I say to them?

Crushed in Miami

Dear Crushed,

Don’t say a word to either one of them. Cut them out of your life entirely. A stray cat would make a much better companion than your “best friend.”

I don’t suggest confronting them. Your best bet is to distance yourself from them, heal, and choose better friends and girlfriends. That last part is much easier said than done, by the way. And, healing is going to take some time: it’s a double betrayal you’re dealing with so the pain is exponentially intense.

I’d avoid forming close connections in the near future. You’re in a vulnerable state, and it would be easy for a slick woman to further damage your trust, self-esteem, and heart.

Dear Dyke Whisperer, My girlfriend is a strong and vocal advocate for Senator Obama; I campaigned for and wholeheartedly supported Senator Clinton. We haven’t had sex since the middle of May. We just can’t seem to get past politics. Any words of wisdom for us?

Lacey in Brooklyn

Dear Lacey,

I’m always glad to hear that lesbians are involved in politics and passionate about candidates; however, something is very wrong with your relationship if politics can and does interfere with your intimate physical interactions.

If you both are SO committed to political candidates that you are no longer having sex with one another, then you don’t belong together. If your intimacy is disrupted by politics, your relationship just isn’t that strong. If neither of you is willing to overlook these differences for the sake of your relationship, it’s best to break up and find a more compatible girlfriend.

You might also examine your own priorities. If politics dictates your personal dating/relationship pool, you need to be honest and open about this to yourself and to potential girlfriends before becoming seriously involved.

I’d try to have one last civilized, OPEN discussion with your current girlfriend to remedy these resentments and resume a healthy relationship. If that doesn’t work, it’s time to move on.

Dear Dyke Whisperer, What’s the most romantic song ever written in your opinion?

Cooper in DC

Dear Cooper,

The most romantic song is the song that reminds you of the woman who represents the love of your life. Or, it’s the song that anchored the soundtrack of your most treasured romance.

It’s the song that can make you smile when you’re depressed or cry when you’re ecstatic. In a crowded, noisy restaurant, you can hear it clearly. It speaks directly to you and reminds you of the promise and power of love — past, present, or future.

It’s the song that reminds you of her and of the electrifying time you spent together.

From her perspective, it’s the song that reminds her that true love isn’t only a possibility but a reality with the right person at the right time.

Dear Dyke Whisperer, I’ve had a close friend since college. We dated briefly. Whenever we’re both single, we have casual sex (over the last 9 years). Once one of us is in a relationship together, we completely stop any sexual contact. Now, I’ve met a wonderful woman who I want to spend the rest of my life with. I am totally in love with her. Should I tell her about the casual sex with my friend or should I not?

JA in Cleveland

Dear JA,

Tell the woman you love everything about the “close friend.” EVERYTHING. Realize that if the woman of your dreams finds out without you telling her, your relationship will be tainted forever and will be either over or well on its way to being over.

Then tell her it is NEVER going to happen again. Explain that you no longer have the desire for casual sex after being in love with such a fantastic woman.

Avoid being alone with your long-time “special” friend: no weekend trips. If she visits or if you all visit her, don’t have long chats in private — EVER. You objective is to make sure the woman you love is comfortable with the situation.

Dear Dyke Whisperer, Why won’t some otherwise liberal politicians support gay marriage?

Liz the Lez in Portland

Dear Liz,

The primary objective of any serious politician is to get elected. After being elected, the primary objective of most politicians is to stay in office as long as possible.

These objectives dictate that politicians appeal to the majority of voters. Unfortunately for us, in the US, the majority of nationwide voters still do not support gay marriage.

Voter opinions — and several critical state Supreme Court decisions – though, are moving in our favor. As young people mature and — hopefully — register and participate in the voting process, more and more states will establish the legality of gay marriage.

Yes, this is heading to the US Supreme Court. Its decision will depend on which Justices comprise the Supreme Court at the time the case is heard. Yes, this is scary, but should encourage you and all others who support equality to participate enthusiastically, thoughtfully, and consistently in the electoral process — on all levels. THAT’S what will force more politicians to support gay marriage.

Refuse to support any candidate that doesn’t support equality for all. Likewise, offer your full support to any candidate that does.

Dear Dyke Whisperer, I admitted to my girlfriend of six months that I occasionally masturbate after she asked. She became furious and then upset. She basically accused me of cheating on her. She is often gone for a week at a time (or longer) because of her job. What do you think?

BB in Costa Mesa

Dear BB,

I think I might have to revise my Top Five Warning Signs That a Woman is a Psycho list. I think your girlfriend has serious control, self-confidence, and self-esteem issues. Sounds like a real winner!

I really don’t know what to tell you other than good luck with your crazy girlfriend.

Dear Dyke Whisperer, I am a loyal reader. You often mention “psychos.” Unfortunately, my last two girlfriends have turned out to be complete psychos after appearing, at first, to be normal. How can you tell EARLY in a relationship if a woman is psycho?

Twice Bitten in San Diego

Dear Bitten,

Here are the Top Five Warning Signs That a Woman is a Psycho:

1. Says “I Love You” to you within 2 weeks of meeting/starting to date you
2. INSISTS on always driving you anywhere and everywhere — including insisting on picking you up (unless you have no car) — from the first date
3. MUST know where you are at all times (often disguised as “I just wanted to hear your voice/tell you I love you” phone calls)
4. HATES one (or more) of your closest friends instantaneously
5. ALWAYS portrays herself as the victim in break-ups, yet is ultra-aggressive

Dear Dyke Whisperer, I received an e-mail from an old girlfriend. We dated for 10 years, and that was three years ago. She was a big part of my life. Should I tell my girlfriend about this e-mail mesage? I really would like to establish some kind of link with my ex.

Sara in Chicago

Dear Sara,

Yes, tell your current girlfriend. Don’t be all giddy when you tell her though. Tell her BRIEFLY about this woman (if you already haven’t). Be sure to mention that the ex isn’t as intelligent, sensitive, beautiful, fun, etc. (choose appropriate adjectives) as she is. Show her the e-mail message.

Tell your girlfriend explicitly that you have no interest in reconciling with the ex EVER. Hopefully, that’s true. Explain that you do share an extensive history with the ex and would like to keep in touch on a very casual level.

If you decide to interact with the ex in person, you MUST invite your current girlfriend and focus at least 80% of your attention on her over the course of the meeting.

Now, of course, a problem will arise if you really want to get back together with your ex, but that’s a separate issue.

Over the weekend, Ellen DeGeneres and Portia de Rossi were married — legally married — in California.

Although they met in 2000, their relationship didn’t begin until outrageous chemistry apparently erupted in December 2004. Portia states in the Advocate: “I ran into Ellen at a photo-shoot, and she took my breath away. That had never happened to me in my life, where I saw somebody and [experienced] all of those things you hear about in songs and read about in poetry. My knees were weak.”

Ellen said in People, “We were just supposed to be together. It was a tough decision. I was physically getting sick because I was trying so hard not to say anything.”

Portia gushed about Ellen in the Advocate, “Just being a couple — being able to walk down a red carpet holding her hand, that’s exciting for me. I respect her so much. She was so courageous and so loud in ’97, and now she is doing something that is more subliminal. She’s changing the world, she really is, and it’s exciting to be a part of that.”

In the Advocate Ellen said, “I could say the same thing I’ve said in every relationship: I’m happy. But there’s happiness and there’s love, and then there’s completion.”

Let’s hope we can all find this completion — and legally wed if we choose.