The Dyke Whisperer

Dear Dyke Whisperer, I cannot talk to my friends or family about this. Fact is, a have a problem with flatulence. It is a serious problem that I’ve had since I can remember. I almost want to take up smoking so that I have a reason to go outside when the urge overcomes me. I looked it up on some medical websites, and now I’m just freaked out. How can I have a steady girlfriend when I have such a disgusting problem?

Pathetic in Dayton

Dear Dayton,

First, talk to a pharmacist. They dispense free advice, and there may be an over-the-counter solution to your problem.

Second, after doing some Web research, make some dietary changes. Experiment. Different people digest food differently.

Third, you must, at this time, KNOW what foods trigger a particularly explosive “attack.” Don’t eat these foods when you’re going to be social.

Fourth, see a nutritionist. You may have an issue involving digestive enzymes.

Fifth, see a doctor if you STILL have this problem.

For now, frequent outdoor events and move around a lot.

Dear Dyke Whisperer, I know my wife is under a lot of pressure. Her boss is a jackass, her father is sick, and her beloved ancient dog (that she raised from a puppy) passed away last weekend. Right now, she is unbearable to live with. The happy, optimistic woman I fell in love with has been replaced by an irate, miserable, aggressive roommate. If I knew this were temporary, I’d stick this out. As it is, I’m ready to pack my shit and take off. I understand she’s under stress, but NONE OF THIS IS MY FAULT! Help!

Losing Patience in Rochester

Dear Rochester.

Your wife is under a tremendous amount of stress. The horrible and debilitating effects of stress — some obvious and some hidden — can negatively transform even the most optimistic person.

I think you should be patient, but I also think you need to take care of yourself because you’re under this tremendous stress blanket too.

Your wife needs to get away – probably without you so you can both get a break — for at least a weekend. She’s getting massive stress-hits from too many sources.

If you are religious and/or spiritual, I suggest spending some time in prayer and meditation.

You both might need to seek some professional counseling as well. With your wife in survival mode, her temper is going to be firing hard and sporadically at anyone and everyone in sight.

Everyone has a limit. Your wife is obviously at hers. You may be close as well. Be proactive, try to get this under control by any means available and necessary now.

Dear Dyke Whisperer, I just found out that a girl I’m dating is an exotic dancer. She told me last night. Prior to this, she had told me she was a dance instructor. I’m horrified. Is this a deal-breaker? I haven’t spoken to her since I found out.

Shocked in Chi-Town

Dear Shocked,

Give her a chance! She probably has a hard time finding a serious date once she lets people know that she’s a dancer. She must be fairly interested in you to tell you this controversial truth.

If you’re not the psychotically possessive and jealous type, keep dating her. I bet she showers you with all sorts of appreciation and glitter!

Dear Dyke Whisperer, I dated a girl for four months and believed that I was in love with her and that we were in love with each other. We had the most unbelievable chemistry! She suddenly broke up with me, and I was devastated. It took me a year before I could even begin to think about dating again.

So I have been casually dating other girls. I’ve been avoiding any kind of emotional attachment. Last night, I received a text message from the girl I was in love with telling me that she’s sorry, she’s in love with me, and that she wants me back.

I am now insane. I would appreciate any advice you have to offer.

Fucked up in Houston

Dear Houston,

You have described a situation that can be mentally and emotionally overwhelming. It sounds like you are dealing with a variety of conflicting emotions, including love, anger, resentment, and joy. This could prove to be an exhausting time for you.

I think you want to give her another chance, hold her in your arms, and tell her that you love her. Simultaneously, you probably want to insult her and have her explain (to your satisfaction) why she inexplicably dumped you when things were going so well.

You want to forgive her and punish her. You can’t do both because, if you do, the magic I believe you want to feel again will be broken. So, you must choose which option you’ll pursue. You must either forgive her completely and give her another chance or insult her and cut her out of your life completely.

Putting her “on probation,” where you kind of take her back but not wholeheartedly, is an extremely short-term strategy. You either love her and want her back or you don’t. Either accept her now or reject her.

How do you know she won’t do the same thing again? You don’t. So, ask yourself: is she worth the risk? There are no guarantees in life and love, although, sometimes, in our vanity, we believe there are. If the answer is “yes,” love her for all you’re worth, knowing that you acted in good faith. If your answer is “no,” get on with your life and leave her and her memory in the past.

Dear Dyke Whisperer, My girlfriend is a lying bitch. I love her, but she breaks up with me every other day. Should I dump her?

Pissed in Pittsburgh

Dear Pissed,

Why do you love a “lying bitch?”  Why do you consider a “lying bitch” to be worthy of being your girlfriend?

End it. Unless you’re a drama whore and then, by all means, keep the relationship alive.

Dear Dyke Whisperer, Can a 42-year-old high powered and accomplished CFO of a Fortune 500 firm find happiness with a 23-year-old waitress?

Crazed in Manhattan

Dear Crazed,

Temporary happiness? Absolutely.

Long-term happiness? Doubtful.

She’ll be able to entertain you, and that brings happiness. She’ll be able to excite you, and that brings happiness. She’ll likely worship you, and that might bring happiness to you. You’ll be able to spoil her, and that might bring happiness. She’ll be able to pose as a trophy wife, and that might bring happiness.

Will she be able to comfort you completely? Probably not. Will she be able to ever be your equal? Probably not. Will you be angry if she ever challenges you? Probably.

Short-term: have fun. Long-term: some difficult situations will appear, but all relationships face difficult situations.

I invite you to review an earlier entry.

Dear Dyke Whisperer, I’m not the most romantic woman. My girlfriend who I love with all my heart is out of town because of a family crisis. I want to send her something special to let her know I’m thinking of her. Flowers seem boring. What do you think? She’s a very sentimental girl.

JD in Albuquerque

Dear JD,

They’re a bit pricey, but you could send her a Build-a-Bear. These customizable stuffed animals are excessively cute and will play to her strong sentimentality.

Flowers would be acceptable under most circumstances, but I hesitate to endorse them because I don’t know the nature of the family crisis.

You could send her a gift card to a restaurant so that she could take some family members out to eat.

Custom CDs would be great too. Maybe send two, one for the week and one for the weekend.

Dear Dyke Whisperer, My girlfriend has a new job and works all the time. I hardly ever see her anymore. I’m growing increasingly restless but don’t want to socialize without her. Any words of wisdom for me?

Restless in Vegas

Dear Restless,

I think it’s okay if you occasionally socialize without her. It’s the “restlessness” that’s more of a concern. Does that mean that you’re bored or does that mean you’re in need of some “female bonding” that could result in a new girlfriend?

Either way, tell your girlfriend how you’re feeling after you honestly and thoroughly examine your situation. It may be that she is no longer able to provide you with the attention you need. If this is the case, the relationship is doomed anyway, and it might be better to end it sooner rather than later.  However, if your girlfriend’s work situation is only temporary, it might be wise to ride this out.

Dear Dyke Whisperer, I think I’m currently in love with two women. Is this possible? Can it be sustained?

Torn in Chelsea

Dear Torn,

I don’t think it’s possible: you believe you’re in love with the one you’re with at the moment. I think the condition of being in love is exclusionary by nature. You don’t want to be with anybody else BECAUSE you’re in love.

They each likely fulfill different needs and desires for you. No need to worry, unless you’re an experienced player — and players don’t fall in love easily or with two women — you’ll lose them both shortly and won’t have this “problem” any longer.

Dear Dyke Whisperer, I made a mistake. I told my girlfriend that I was not communicating with my ex, but I was. My girlfriend found out and left me. I’d do anything to get her back. How do you start trying to get someone back?

Desperate in Nashville

Dear Desperate,

1. You need to apologize for lying, several times. Don’t try to justify why you were lying. It doesn’t matter. Apologize in person if she’ll see you (but don’t just show up where she works). Write an apology in a card/letter and send it to her. Send her an apologetic e-mail message. Apologize on all of your social networking sites (if you have any). Reword these website apologies everyday. Just apologize for lying. That’s it.
2. Wait for her reaction. After your apology blitz, you must wait. This is incredibly difficult but is necessary. Let it sink in for her.
3. If she accepts your apology, be grateful and LET IT GO. Never mention the situation again. Now, you can work on trying to win her back. Don’t be aggressive; be persistent. Be kind, be romantic, be sincere, and be solicitous. You are on probation.
4. If she tells you to go to hell, stop trying. If you still want to get back together 6 months from now, give it another shot.
5. If she is silent, wait two weeks and commence the second apology blitz. Again, try to meet with her in person, send out a letter/card, send out an apologetic e-mail message, apologize like crazy on MySpace, Facebook, etc. If she STILL won’t react, wait 6 months and try it again if you still want her back.

The biggest mistake women make when they’ve been caught lying is to try to justify the lie. This is insulting. Don’t do it. If she wants an explanation, say that you did a stupid thing, she’s the only woman you want, and you’re sorry. The explanation of the lie –especially if it involves another lie — will likely either prolong the unpleasantness or produce additional strife.