The Dyke Whisperer

Dear Dyke Whisperer, My girlfriend won’t stop flirting with other women. She’s a compulsive flirt. I’ve told her to stop, that it hurts my feelings. She says it’s meaningless and harmless. She gives me attention while we’re in private, but only a small percentage of it in public. How do I make her stop flirting in front of me?

Fed Up in Queens

Dear Fed Up,

Flirting, when single, is harmless; flirting in front of a girlfriend is disrespectful. Compulsive flirting — in the presence of a girlfriend / partner / wife – is indicative of an emotional deficiency, at best, or a twisted mean-streak, at worst. Compulsive flirting in front of a girlfriend who has indicated that it is hurtful is inexcusable, reprehensible, and repulsive.

The way to make it stop is to leave this woman who obviously has little respect for you, your feelings, your relationship, and your time.

Dear Dyke Whisperer, I haven’t had a “real” job yet, and I’m graduating from college in next May. This summer, I want to find a job so that I can start to build my resume and earn some cash! How do I go about selecting an employer that is more likely to be gay-friendly? How do I act at my new job?

Baby Dyke in Houston

Dear Baby Dyke,

First, I believe that it is essential for us to support gay and gay-friendly organizations. I know that Houston has a large gay community and that there are many gay-owned businesses. There is a telephone book of gay and gay-friendly organizations: this is an excellent place to start.

Second, you need to have resumes that are specifically tailored to the organizations that you are interested in. For example, a bank or law firm requires a more standard resume, while an advertising firm would more likely be interested in a document (or video) that demonstrates more creativity (unless you want to go into media buying / planning). It is a mistake to think that one resume is all that you need.

It might be wise to invest in having these resumes done professionally. Be sure to get the electronic files and make sure that they are formatted so that you can revise them. If you are not a writer or handy in desktop publishing, find an attractive English major who is and trade a couple of dinners for her work (resumes, cover letter, reference sheet). This, naturally, serves more than one purpose, especially if you’re single. If you’re not single, get a friend or a guy to do it for beer.

Third, interviewing is an art form, but it is not critical at this stage for you to worry about it. Arrive a little early and be polite. Scope out the place the previous day so that (1) you’ll know where it is and (2) you’ll see how people are dressed. Dress like that.

The interview begins as you enter the facility. You don’t want coffee, a soft drink, or anything. Smile, but not psychotically. Send thank-you emails to everyone who interviewed you. Be mindful of drug-testing policies and the possibility of background checks.

Fourth, remember that finding a suitable job IS like dating: it’s about “fit.”

Here’s some additional general advice for when you get a job:

While at work, engage only in small talk and avoid ALL personal, political, or social discussions. Don’t divulge ANY sensitive personal information and don’t ask questions that will lead to others divulging this information. You are always “fine.”

Never complain and don’t try to suggest how to “fix” things or improve processes. You don’t have the social capital at a new firm to do that. JUST FIX IT if you can. DON’T ask about it or point out flaws. PEOPLE WILL HATE YOU FOR THAT. Make small changes that affect your work privately.

Although you are likely to be able to improve processes, no one wants to admit that the processes they have designed or have been following are flawed TO A NEW HIRE AND A BABY DYKE. That’s what consultants are brought in to do.

You know yourself. Choose the firm where you “fit” in and will likely thrive. Make a pact with yourself that you will not “fall in hate”ä with anyone at either firm for the first two months you work there.

As a clerical worker / office administrator / assistant, your job is not to change the organization, it’s to perform detail-oriented tasks competently. You will be rewarded and recognized for your efforts to perform your job well; you will be resented (by other staff members) for recommending changes.

This is work; these aren’t your friends. Maybe they will be eventually. The exchange of personal information will not benefit you so don’t engage in it. Scan the newspaper everyday (the vapid USA Today is a suitable choice) and steer conversations to local and national events (except politics). Listen.

Go socialize with co-workers after work, but DON’T DRINK EXCESSIVELY and DON’T GOSSIP. Two drinks maximum. Keep your clothes on at work gatherings.

Dear Dyke Whisperer, I found out a month ago that the woman I was married to and have been with for 4 years has been cheating on me for the last 2 of those years with a co-worker. All of our friends thought we were the perfect couple. I thought we were the perfect couple. How could I be so blind? I feel stupid and betrayed. Do you have any words of wisdom for me?

Crushed in Los Angeles

Dear Crushed,

You should feel betrayed but not stupid. You placed your trust in an untrustworthy person in good faith. You did nothing wrong. You’re better off without that garbage in your life.

It will take time to heal emotionally. How long depends entirely on you. Resist the temptation to re-analyze every recalled conversation for clues.

Your ex is an exceptionally good liar and a fraud. That is in no way a reflection of you or of the scores of honest, caring lesbians who are looking for a devoted, trusting woman such as yourself.

Be kind to yourself and blame the true source of your misery: your ex. And, then, sometime in the future, you’ll need to begin to let that go so that you can love and trust again — love and trust you again, as well as potential romantic partners.

Dear Dyke Whisperer, I am devastated because my brother will no longer let me see my 10-year-old niece (his daughter) now that I have announced to my family that I am a lesbian. I was close to her, and she tells everyone that I am her favorite aunt. Do you have any suggestions for me?

Broken-Hearted in Boston

Dear Broken-Hearted,

This is a sad situation. There’s really not much you can do: your niece is a minor, and any attempt to contact her behind your brother’s back could have disastrous effects.

I suggest that you start a college fund for your niece: every birthday and significant (in your mind) holiday, contribute money to this fund that you would have spent on gifts. Maybe forgo eating out once a month and contribute these funds as well. Purchase or make gift cards for each contribution and collect these.

I suggest you do this formally (i.e., through a financial institution) so that the money can collect interest. You have eight years of contributing and will have a good sum collected no matter how small each individual contribution is!

When your niece turns 18, you can give her the funds and the cards as a high school graduation present. Or, you can give the proceeds to her if she decides to go to college. Let her know that it was not your idea to break contact (she’ll likely now this anyway). Let her know that you always thought of her and now that she’s a young adult you want to re-establish a relationship.

Don’t criticize her asshole father to her or other family members, even though he IS a complete asshole. Who knows? He may come around in a year or two.

Dear Dyke Whisperer, THIS IS AN EMERGENCY! A co-worker is blackmailing by threatening to tell my boss that I’m gay. Should I give in to the evil [co-worker] or come out to my boss? This might cost me a great job.

Panicked in Des Moines

Dear Des Moines,

Come out to your boss ASAP, like, tomorrow morning. Tell him/her that you realize the separation between work and your personal life, but you believed it best to be forthcoming, open, and honest.

If you get fired, talk to an employment attorney immediately. There might be actions you could take against the organization. If you get fired, it wasn’t that great of a job.

Cut the evil co-worker out of your personal life — now and forever. Be polite and decent at work.

Dear Dyke Whisperer, I have lived as an out lesbian since high school. I’m currently dating a woman who is in the closet except for her closest friends. Her being in the closet bothers me because I feel a part of me is in the closet when I’m with her. I know you don’t like ultimatums, but I need to know whether she’s going to come out or not. And I need to know soon. Any suggestions?

Out in Raleigh

Dear Raleigh,

Take your girlfriend out for a casual dinner. Smile and be positive. Don’t treat this as a judicial procedure.

Tell her that you’re out and plan to stay that way. Explain that you expect your girlfriends to acknowledge your relationship in public. Be compassionate: tell her that you realize that coming-out may be difficult and that you will support her through it. Tell her that you understand that it may take some time and that you don’t want to pressure her. You’re just looking for an assurance that she will acknowledge your relationship publicly when she’s with you now and will come out in the future.

Then, be quiet and let her talk.

Her response to this will guide you in your decision to maintain the relationship or seek someone who is either out or willing to come out.

Dear Dyke Whisperer, I know some real asshole lesbians who have great girlfriends. How can such assholes get these fantastic women?

Bitter in Denver

Dear Denver,

1. Assholes are aggressive and ruthless. Some women are attracted to these traits.

2. Assholes usually have big egos so, sometimes, they get women because they pursue women. Additionally, they don’t care if their advances are rejected.

3. Assholes do get great women sometimes. However, they may not keep them because of their abrasive natures and self-centered tendencies.

4. If a woman is with a known asshole, she’s NOT that fantastic. They deserve each other.

5. There’s no benefit in associating with assholes or asshole-groupies.

Dear Dyke Whisperer, Why do lesbians “U-Haul?”

Freaked Out Sometimes in Phoenix

Dear Phoenix,

For the international readers, “U-Hauling” refers to the ability of lesbians to form couples and move in with one another extremely quickly. U-Haul is a brand of moving vehicles. Thus, we have the classic joke:

What do lesbians do on a second date? Rent a U-Haul

Joking aside, it does seem to be a prevalent phenomenon in our community. Lesbians seem to form intimate attachments rapidly and seem to be willing to act upon them immediately.

I believe it’s a supply-and-demand situation. There seems to be a shortage (either real or perceived) of other lesbians we are attracted to and with whom we are compatible. So, when we think we have found one, we tend to try to close the deal as soon as possible and remove these women from the “dating market.”

There are great success stories involving “U-Hauling” and horrible nightmare scenarios as well. I am not an advocate for it: I think it’s too risky and a bit crazy. Still, it occurs with remarkable frequency, indicating either that many lesbians are desperate for companionship, that many lesbians are hopeless romantics, that many lesbians have a diminished learning curve, or that it works often enough that it’s worth a try.

Dear Dyke Whisperer, How do you stand politically?

Just Asking in Atlanta

Dear Atlanta,

I stand strongly, actively, and loudly with those who support the following: gay rights, gay marriage, a woman’s inalienable reproductive rights, the environment, the elderly, the impoverished, universal health-care, alternative fuel sources, universal respect, corporate responsibility and accountability, educational reform, and tongue studs.

This year I am a pledged state delegate for Senator Clinton. I will support Senator Obama when/if he is sanctioned by the Democratic National Convention. We simply cannot have four more years of tyranny under McBush.

Dear Dyke Whisperer, I am interested in this girl but don’t have a lot of money to spend on a birthday present for her? Any suggestions?

Broke in Baltimore

Dear Broke,

Make her a Mix CD of different songs. Now, don’t overwhelm her with romanticism and desire in your choices. Pick a combination of songs that you know she likes (or think she’ll like), songs that you like, and songs that will elicit a positive response (depending on her personality, as you gauge it).

Include the case and an illustrated cover (be creative!).

I personally vouch for the effectiveness of these custom CDs, either as presents or as seduction tools.

Be sure to make a copy of the CD in case she loves it so much it gets all scratched up or she misplaces the original.

Custom CDs also make great anniversary and graduation gifts if you are low on funds. Put considerable thought and care into your song choices and the packaging. My buddy in South Carolina is currently creating a custom CD for a mutual friend’s unborn child.