The Dyke Whisperer

Despite the pain of shattered dreams and a heart that’s been broken multiple times, never abandon the possibility of finding true love. It’s worth the search.

You’re never too old, too jaded, or too devastated to experience love.

Trust me on this one.

With a few exceptions, we all seek love. Love is the subject of classic and modern painting, poetry, music, philosophical diatribes, prose, and sculpture. It influences how we think, feel, react, and behave. It affected and continues to drive the course of history and influences our day-to-day thoughts and actions. It causes joy and devastation; ecstasy and pain; longing and fulfillment; comfort and insanity.

Love is powerful in any context and any situation; however, when it exists between two women, it’s magical. The intense feelings — positive and negative — between women can start wars, end despair, instigate heartache, and allow us to re-invent ourselves — instantly.

I receive questions on a daily basis; I also receive statements. These simple massages almost universally deal with the subject and nature of love.

Starting Monday, June 30, I will tackle some of these issues that have emerged in yet another multi-part series.

Until then, have a great weekend and thank you for reading.

   – The Dyke Whisperer

With a few exceptions, we all seek love. Love is the subject of classic and modern painting, poetry, music, philosophical diatribes, prose, and sculpture. It influences how we think, feel, react, and behave. It affected and continues to drive the course of history and influences our day-to-day thoughts and actions. It causes joy and devastation; ecstasy and pain; longing and fulfillment; comfort and insanity.

Love is powerful in any context and any situation; however, when it exists between two women, it’s magical. The intense feelings — positive and negative — between women can start wars, end despair, instigate heartache, and allow us to re-invent ourselves – instantly.

I receive questions on a daily basis; I also receive statements. These simple massages almost universally deal with the subject and nature of love.

Starting Monday, June 30, I will tackle some of these issues that have emerged in yet another multi-part series.

Until then, have a great weekend and thank you for reading.

   – The Dyke Whisperer

Dear Dyke Whisperer, What is the ultimate pick-up line for hooking up with a hot girl?

TJ in Irvine, CA

Dear TJ,

Try this: “I’m not the type of woman who believes in ultimate pick-up lines.”

Dear Dyke Whisperer, As I was about to do laundry, a cell phone dropped out of my wife’s jeans pocket. It is NOT her regular cell phone. I looked at the call history, and most calls (made and received) are to one number. I’ve been sick about this since yesterday. I put the phone back in her jeans and left the jeans on the floor. I did write down the numbers I saw. What do I do?

Wrecked in New Haven

Dear Wrecked,

There are three ways to handle this:

1. When she is relaxed, ask your wife about the phone. Don’t accuse her of anything. Just tell her the truth: you were washing clothes, and it fell out of her pocket. Watch her face closely. She won’t be able to hide the guilt unless she’s a psychopath. There might be a rational explanation. For example, the phone may be related to a work project. Maybe it’s someone else’s phone.
2. Call the number that appeared most frequently and focus on how the call is received. That should give you an indication of who and what this person is. If you get a “Hey, sweetie!” or other overly familiar or affectionate response, hang up. Before you confront your wife, you might want to consider taking out a cheap “erotic services” ad in your area’s free weekly newspaper. Naturally, you want to leave “her” number. Then confront your wife.
3. Say or do nothing and suffer in silence. Hire a private investigator to confirm or deny your suspicions.

In any case, be prepared to withdraw funds from / close any joint accounts if you discover that your wife has been cheating on you. IF she’s cheating on you and has a secret line of communication to a secret girlfriend, they are having a serious affair.

I hope there is a rational explanation for the presence of the phone and that your worries are unfounded.

Dear Dyke Whisperer, What are the secrets to a long and happy lesbian relationship?

Baffled in Manhattan

Dear Baffled,

I might expound on this important topic later in a multi-part series, but this will have to do for now as I am pressed for time:

1. Trust
2. Respect
3. Love
4. Maturity
5. Separate bathrooms

Dear Dyke Whisperer, My girlfriend is great, except when she drinks too much. Then she gets mean, really mean. She never has hit me or threatened to. She just gets completely sarcastic in an evil way, to the point where I start to cry.

This doesn’t happen every time she drinks, or every other time. There are just some occasions when she drinks too much and becomes a verbal bully. I’ve tried to talk to her about it, but she doesn’t remember being mean so our discussions are pointless. Any advice for me?

Bullied in Santa Fe

Dear Bullied,

Your girlfriend needs to either

1. Seriously commit to drinking less;
2. Stop drinking completely; or
3. Seek professional help about her drinking and/or anger issues.

You need to either

1. Accept her drunken behavior and be wary when she drinks (not advisable);
2. Persuade her to seek professional help about her drinking and/or anger issues; or
3. Get a new girlfriend without these problems

If she’s blacking out and can’t remember being mean, she really is drinking too much. Being nice to you when she’s sober is sufficient if she agrees to stay sober. I don’t know about the notion of “controlled-drinking” under these circumstances. It may work out for you all, but, in reality, the issues that make her mean are still present and will remain present until she deals with them effectively.

Dear Dyke Whisperer, Is is possible to be TOO romantic? I’m able to get dates, but these women seem put off by my attempts to court them and aren’t interested in dating me for an extended time. I asked the last one why she didn’t want to date me and she said I was “overbearing.” Meanwhile, lesbians who treat women like dirt have girlfriends. What is up with that?

Romantic Dyke in Milwaukee

Dear Romantic,

You just haven’t found the right woman yet. There are plenty who appreciate romance and attention. Some women, though, have never been showered with attention so they may not know how to react to it.

Stick with it! Keep being you!

Dear Dyke Whisperer, I love my girlfriend. She has given me a ring. I don’t wear rings because I’m a chef — and I don’t like rings. She’s REALLY upset because I don’t wear it all the time. What do I tell her? What do I do?

Upset in Vancouver

Dear Upset,

Wear it on a chain around your neck. Tell her, that way, you’re less likely to damage it because you wash your hands so much. You’re also less likely to lose it. That should satisfy a reasonable girlfriend. Now, you do realize that you’ll rarely be able to take the necklace off, right?

Do you like tattoos? If you do, suggest you both tattoo rings on your fingers. This will either appeal to her immensely or freak her out.

Rings are symbolic of a connection and commitment in a couple. The display of a ring indicates publicly that one is “taken.” Your girlfriend probably just wants that message conveyed. Maybe she’s a little insecure and that’s why she’s upset that you don’t wear the ring. She may need a little  assurance from you; she may need a lot. 

Dear Dyke Whisperer, Do you believe in love at first sight?

Smitten Aussie in Sydney

Dear Smitten,

Yes. I’ve seen it happened, and I’ve experienced it myself. I believe a more pertinent question might be: how likely is this instantaneous brand of love likely to last?

It depends on whether both individuals feel this same uncontrollable pull toward one another. It also depends on whether the “love” involved is actually based in a metaphysical connection (long-term possibility) rather than a physical desire (short-term probability).

In any case, it’s a truly wonderful feeling and experience.