Lesbian Relationship Time-line
Dear Dyke Whisperer, Could you explain lesbian relationships to me? Why do so many end after just a few years? I’m a 23-year-old college student, and I’m already sick of relationships.
Twice-Bitten in Santa Fe
Dear Twice-Bitten,
One reason lesbian relationships end after a few years is because the couple in the relationship should have never been together in the first place. This extends to all relationships, by the way, not just those between lesbians.
Lesbians are often too quick to enter into “serious” relationships. Instant soul-mates! Within weeks, rings are exchanged. Within months, you’re living together.
You cannot know someone unless you have seen them under a variety of different stresses, over an extended period of time. The typical university existence of exams and socializing is NOT stressful. Losing a job with a mortgage, credit card bills, and a sick parent/child/beloved pet IS. The stakes of life are MUCH higher as we mature in the real world. Before you make a commitment to share an adult life with someone, make sure that both of you are able to handle adult life — separately AND as a couple. Oh, just because you/she had a shitty childhood or held a job since you/she were two doesn’t mean you’ll/she’ll be a competent post-grad adult.
On to the Lesbian Relationship Time-line:
1. The Year of Novelty: this is an exciting time! All those differences seem endearing and enticing, as you both rush to compromise and get back to bed. No one else matters.
2. The Year of Adjustment: you realize she’s not perfect, but she’s trustworthy and predictable — so comfortable to be around. You like your life, and she’s part of it. It’s also fun to feel superior to all your single friends.
3. The Year of Disillusionment: Disappointment settles in. You start envying single friends or those who have just partnered and are enjoying the bliss of Year 1. You don’t like your life. Infidelity seems a viable (and rational) option when one of you is out of town. THIS IS THE CRITICAL POINT IN THE RELATIONSHIP because, now, one of two paths may be followed:
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Non-Communication Path: You don’t want to talk about it. A discussion would only end in a fight. Any criticism NOW would seem ridiculous and/or cruel because you’ve tolerated the same behaviors for over two years. End it. You realize that what you regarded as “comfort” is now stifling. You don’t want to hurt her feelings because you don’t want to deal with her shit, not because you care whether she’s hurt or not. You become annoyed easily and you begin to flirt with almost ANY woman within reach. Just end it. You know each other now, and you don’t like the other person. It won’t get better. If you can’t or won’t communicate, there is no hope. Don’t wait until you get another girlfriend because then you’re just a piece of shit. End it with dignity and start again with someone new — but actually get to know her this time.
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Communication Path: Seek counseling with the understanding that it might be better if the relationship were to end. Issues of abuse, adultery, or addiction often can’t be fixed. Don’t get drunk, start crying, and ranting. Under the guidance of a professional counselor, see if you can fix things. What you’re doing now is what you should have done if you had dated for a couple of years before exchanging rings: you’re really getting to know each other. The competent and trained third party is necessary because, at this point, emotions often confound reason. You’ll need help sorting the petty from the significant. If the Communication Path fixes things, you could be on your way to …
4. The Happy Future: YOU MADE IT! Knowledge and communication are essential! You can deal with the good and bad times effectively! You really are soul-mates!
