The Dyke Whisperer

Here’s some rhetorical questions concerning a situation that most of us either have faced or will face:

How long before we let what once was a spectacular, fulfilling relationship go on before we finally pull the plug? How many chances do we either extend to ,or accept from, the woman who was once our everything? When do we say enough?

Discounting infidelity, abuse, or addiction issues, when is it really over?

How can you say “no” to a reconciliation with the woman who brought you more happiness than anyone else? How can you balance the past, present, and future with her? And, above all, how do you apply logic and reason to matters of a living, breathing heart that remembers what it wants to remember and is linked to so many songs, images, textures, scents, and meaningless everyday objects?

When and how do you accept dreams as simply dreams? How do you send or ignore texts, emails, Facebook messages, phone calls, and the strange telepathic/sympathetic system it took years to create?

How do you say “no” to one more try? One more weekend in the college town where you met? One more trip to an isolated, warm Gulf Coast beach in the midst of an Arctic blast? One more lunch at a favorite Tex-Mex restaurant? One more beer session at a favorite tavern? One more kiss …

To tell you the truth, gentle readers, I apologize because I have no answers for you.

This morning, Meredith Baxter announced on the Today show that she was a lesbian. Rumors had circulated for years. The announcement came after The National Enquirer printed an article that she had been vacationing “on a lesbian cruise.”

“I guess I wanted to… say that I’m a lesbian,” Baxter revealed. “It was a later-in-life recognition of that fact.”

The 62-year-old actress has been living life as a lesbian for 7 years and acknowledged that she has been in a relationship for 4 years with contractor Nancy Locke. She asserts that it was only after becoming involved with another woman that she realized why her three marriages to men ended in divorce.

“I got involved with someone I never expected to get involved with and it was that kind of awakening and I never fought it because it was like, ‘Oh! I understand why I had the issues I had early in my life,’” Baxter said. She continued: “I had a great deal of difficulty connecting with men in relationships… Sometimes, I assumed I was a bad picker … because there were problems with the people I chose. It never occurred to me to think, ‘Oh, it’s me.’”

It’s never too late to find the happiness that your heart is leading you to.

I never got over the feeling of being in a crowded, electric dance-club. The lights, pounding bass, eye-catching flesh. Being in the perfect state of buzzed, happy, and dancing.

Physics on an interpersonal level. Action. Friction. The music. And what the music would make me do.

I used to be a DJ. I think I still am.

From a Saturday night conversation:

“If you haven’t dated at least one nutjob, you have NEVER set foot inside a lesbian bar.”

***** NEW POST ***** If you haven’t already seen it, check out The Dyke Whisperer’s New Contributor at: Life in the Fast Lane

Dear Dyke Whisperer, My family lives in Virginia. I moved to Florida to go to school and now I work here. I have always gone back to Virginia for Thanksgiving, Christmas, Easter, and other holidays.

I have recently (two weeks ago) started dating a girl who is beautiful but may be crazy. I don’t know if she’s crazy or not because we haven’t known each other that long.

She seems to have a hard time making up her mind about anything. I decided to stay in Florida so that WE could have a Thanksgiving together. We planned it! I learned last night that she might go out of town to celebrate Thanksgiving with HER family, leaving me alone for a couple of days.

WTF?

Am I wrong to be pissed off?

Pissed off, right or wrong, in Tampa

Dear Tampa,

Two issues:

1. You have just started dating this woman. She is not your girlfriend. There may be some family issues of which you are unaware.
2. YOU decided to stay in Florida. It was your decision.

She does sound somewhat flighty to me, but you don’t know her history. If you have a reliable car, drive to Virginia for the weekend. Yes, it’s rude of her to change plans on you, but it was unwise of you to alter your traditional plans because of someone you’ve just met.

Kiss her and go to Virginia. Text or call her over your break. Arrange to have a nice dinner on Sunday (or whenever you return). Start over. Break the trend! Refuse to let Holidays be the source of stress and anger!

Dear Dyke Whisperer, I have fallen in love with a girl who is not romantically attracted to me. She doesn’t see me that way. We get along and we enjoy spending time together. Meanwhile, I get to watch her chase other girls.

She knows how I feel about her because I told her. I have tried to stay away from her, but that makes me miserable.

Do you have any suggestions?

Miserable

Dear Miserable,

Unrequited love and unfulfilled romantic longings. Yes, I know how much it hurts. Sometimes, if you are patient, the object of your heart may recognize you, may see you as a potential lover one day. There’s no guarantee though.

Sometimes, over time, we learn that the object of our desires isn’t quite who we thought she was. Maybe lust or love disguised or hid unattractive qualities and personality flaws.

I’ve seen it go both ways.

If I were you? I’d be patient, but, then again, I have some masochistic tendencies and a high tolerance for alcohol.

In any event, I’m sorry you’re hurting — and I do empathize with you.

Let me be clear: DON’T CHEAT. Just don’t do it. Break up with your girlfriend/partner/wife BEFORE pursuing another woman.

IS THAT CLEAR ENOUGH?

No excuse. There’s just no excuse. And, if you’re caught, you deserve what you get. You really do.

***** NEW POST ***** If you haven’t already seen it, check out The Dyke Whisperer’s New Contributor at: Life in the Fast Lane

You want your current girlfriend to hate you — REALLY hate you? Then pursue another woman, begin a relationship with that woman, and THEN break up with your girlfriend.

Please … break up with her if you don’t want her. Don’t tolerate her presence until you firmly have your disgusting hands on the next girlfriend.

Oh … and saying that you want “to be friends” with her — after she KNOWS you’re already with someone else and were deceiving her the last [insert number here] months of your relationship — MAKES IT MUCH WORSE.

Less than two weeks ago, a friend texted me the news that lab results of a biopsy indicated that she had cancerous cells in her body. The entire process was scary and stressful, as you either know or can imagine.

This past Friday, as I reminisced with an old friend about our crazy past, we were inspired to call another old friend. I called as she was waiting to undergo a biopsy. I had no idea. She had informed only a few people of the presence of lumps in both breasts.

She underwent a biopsy and received the news yesterday: the lumps are malignant and she will have to undergo a double-mastectomy.

They are both ultra-feisty women, brawlers and bad-asses. Both will survive. One is a protege, and one is a hero of mine. Both will receive an unending supply of my love, affection, support, strength, inappropriate humor and optimism.

We are warriors and nurturers. We will fight this together.

Once again, with feeling — fuck cancer.

Love you LB and KF.

Lesbians take too long breaking up.  When it’s over, it’s over.

The desperate, angry attempts to sustain a dead relationship kill the possibility of a friendship. If you’re fighting to keep a relationship alive, it’s the wrong relationship.